MARK PALMER: I served guests on a luxury cruise ship for a week... My encounters with the "Frightening Five" proved they were anything but simple!
Mark Palmer worked on the Uniworld S.S. Catherine for a week in various roles
My uniform fits well. Hair is brushed, shoes shined - but that's definitely not the best way to start.
'Can you tell me where nearest women's toilet, please?' asks an American guest.
'I'm terribly sorry, but I can't.'
Thierry Altuna, the French cruise director (Terry to English speakers), takes me aside as we queue for the captain's welcome speech.
'You have your badge the wrong way round,' he said. 'It should always be on the right lapel of your jacket.'
I'm about to make the change but the magnet inside my shirt - which holds the badge in place - falls off and ends up somewhere near the top of my pants. Retrieving it will require a partial striptease.
So, without a badge, I stand next to Thierry and listen to the captain thanking the 107 guests for choosing Uniworld to depart for this luxurious cruise on the Rhône from Arles, in the south of France, to Lyon, aboard the 135 meter S.S. Catherine, named after the actress Catherine Deneuve. 
...
My uniform fits well. Hair is brushed, shoes shined - but that's definitely not the best way to start.
'Can you tell me where nearest women's toilet, please?' asks an American guest.
'I'm terribly sorry, but I can't.'
Thierry Altuna, the French cruise director (Terry to English speakers), takes me aside as we queue for the captain's welcome speech.
'You have your badge the wrong way round,' he said. 'It should always be on the right lapel of your jacket.'
I'm about to make the change but the magnet inside my shirt - which holds the badge in place - falls off and ends up somewhere near the top of my pants. Retrieving it will require a partial striptease.
So, without a badge, I stand next to Thierry and listen to the captain thanking the 107 guests for choosing Uniworld to depart for this luxurious cruise on the Rhône from Arles, in the south of France, to Lyon, aboard the 135 meter S.S. Catherine, named after the actress Catherine Deneuve. ...
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