Sex with my partner is all about him - and ends very quickly. What can I do?
My partner and I have regular sex, which is great, but he still likes to be in control - and that means it's all about him and it ends very quickly. At first he asked me to guide him on what I wanted but, when I tried, he insisted that he liked doing what he was doing and that was not up for discussion. I don't want to upset him by telling the blatant truth - that it's not satisfying to me. It's been going on too long. I want a shared sex life, not just for him. Can you help me deal with this?
Some people become very anxious about their expected role in helping a partner experience pleasure and orgasm, and may Maybe your partner has become stubborn because he feels he can't meet your needs. He may well be just selfish - but simply accepting that won't get you what you want. Try to approach this problem from the perspective that he may need a different type of advice from you and is afraid of being disappointed. Many women have found that taking responsibility for their own pleasure improves mutual satisfaction. Try to find erotic ways to increase your own pleasure during sex. One technique is to stimulate yourself manually or with a sex toy during sex. Many partners find this added excitement and as a result, they themselves become more willing to be guided to provide direct clitoral stimulation or whatever is desired. Be patient and gently support. Make your requests very simple and clear, and reward every little attempt he makes to please you. Above all, remember that you have the right to be listened to and to have your sexual needs met.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this article are pre-moderated to ensure that the discussion stays on the topics raised by the author. Please note that there may be a short delay in posting comments on the site.
My partner and I have regular sex, which is great, but he still likes to be in control - and that means it's all about him and it ends very quickly. At first he asked me to guide him on what I wanted but, when I tried, he insisted that he liked doing what he was doing and that was not up for discussion. I don't want to upset him by telling the blatant truth - that it's not satisfying to me. It's been going on too long. I want a shared sex life, not just for him. Can you help me deal with this?
Some people become very anxious about their expected role in helping a partner experience pleasure and orgasm, and may Maybe your partner has become stubborn because he feels he can't meet your needs. He may well be just selfish - but simply accepting that won't get you what you want. Try to approach this problem from the perspective that he may need a different type of advice from you and is afraid of being disappointed. Many women have found that taking responsibility for their own pleasure improves mutual satisfaction. Try to find erotic ways to increase your own pleasure during sex. One technique is to stimulate yourself manually or with a sex toy during sex. Many partners find this added excitement and as a result, they themselves become more willing to be guided to provide direct clitoral stimulation or whatever is desired. Be patient and gently support. Make your requests very simple and clear, and reward every little attempt he makes to please you. Above all, remember that you have the right to be listened to and to have your sexual needs met.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this article are pre-moderated to ensure that the discussion stays on the topics raised by the author. Please note that there may be a short delay in posting comments on the site.
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