Tim Dowling: my year in numbers – or how I spent 26 evenings looking for the turtle

Whoever said "what gets measured gets better" has never drawn a pencil outline around a wet spot on the ceiling to see if it grows. Sometimes what is being measured gets much worse, in some cases right before your eyes.

Still, a little checking can't hurt. Faced with a future as unimaginably bleak as 2023 promises to be, the time now seems right to draw a large pencil outline towards 2022, using only cold, hard numbers. So here's where things stand for me statistically at the end of the year.

33,333 Percentage of my adult offspring who managed to become independent during the year elapsed. Although this leaves 66.666% of my sons still at home, I still consider this remarkable progress in the current economic climate. The eldest now seems to be definitely embarking on his new existence, and my wife has turned his bedroom into an office just in case.

26 Dark Evenings I Spent Researching the turtle in one of its seven outdoor hiding places, after deciding that the predicted nighttime temperatures could pose a threat to its health. He was never grateful, not once.

17.5C Daytime temperature I was on July 19 when the UK had its day the hottest, with thermometers reaching 40 C. I was on vacation in Cornwall, and yes, it was raining.

21 live dates with which the group in which I am played in 2022, compared to six in 2021 and only one the previous year.

1 Number of concerts before which I found myself briefly alone and locked in an area gloomy backstage, unable to sound the alarm, with a few minutes before the start of the show. We have even more dates booked for 2023, so I suspect it could happen again. Someone may be trying to message me.

8.5 Dead mice found in house since start of year, thanks to brutal vigilance of new cat. By the way, it's not eight mice and half a mouse. That's 17 halves.

3 dual function kitchen faucet spray head replacements I purchased in 2022 (according to my Amazon order history), all for the same faucet. In fact, the description is a bit misleading - it should say: "Dual function for about four months, after which the button will stop working and it will stay stuck on the function you last used, until you give up. and buy another. "Even so, at £9.99 each, it's at least one catastrophic design flaw I can afford.

4.6 hours approx, out of the 8 760 hours available to me in 2022, I spent watching YouTube videos posted by heating engineers showing how to adjust the flow temperature for my particular brand of boiler - first to lower it to save money, then to wind it up once it's really cold outside. This figure also includes the time spent watching videos about restoring the boiler to optimum pressure, which started as a spin-off hobby and ended with dismantling a shelf to be able to reach the affected valves.

30 years I've been married, it turns out. It's amazing how these things invade you, despite the many warnings. Although the 30-year mark surprised us both - we forgot to plan a party, or whatever - I like to think it's because time has simply passed. Wanted to ask my wife if she felt the same, but we're not talking right now.

11.3 hours spent watching YouTube videos of farmers going about to their daily business. It's a genre I didn't become aware of until late in the year, and quickly became addicted to it. I can't give you a good reason for that, although the views are apparently supplementing the dwindling income, and some farmers are now earning more from YouTube than they do from farming. I just find it soothing to watch people spread slurry, drive in posts, fix fences, and add and remove various tractor attachments. Even better, the pleasure I derive from it creates no corresponding desire to participate.

11 Friends, acquaintances and strangers who, a...