Our codependency is not to blame for our partner's emotional unavailability

Maggie decided to seek therapy after her relationship ended due to what she defined as her “codependent behavior.” A few weeks into her sessions, she reconciled with her emotionally unavailable partner. The understanding between them grew that all the problems were the result of his "codependent tendencies". The moment Maggie showed anxiety or expressed a need or concern, her partner ended the relationship. He claimed it was clear she "hasn't changed".

Codependency, so being overly emotionally dependent on others and unable to discern where we end and others begin, creates boundary issues, blocks intimacy, and fosters habits such as people-pleasing, emotional unavailability, gambling roles and not knowing when to lie down on unsatisfying and shady relationships. Ultimately, codependency negatively impacts our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

Let's be clear: when we engage in codependent habits, whether we're in a relationship or not, it's healthy and necessary to address them over time.

Codependency is short for "My childhood emotional baggage plays a large role in my pattern of feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and choices."

Our codependent habits, however, are maladaptive strategies. We developed them in childhood in response to old hurts and losses, as well as to get what we wanted. However, once adults, these strategies only become more ineffective and painful the more we use them. We are guaranteed to encounter experiences that force us to confront our codependency in order to adapt and evolve.

Three traps we fall into by the very extension of our codependency are: Seeing yourself as the only problem in a relationship. Seeing the feelings and behavior of others as a reflection of our codependency, flaws, and worth. Keeping score and actually feeling like we "owe" people. We trade awareness of our problems for understanding and adapting to the problems of others.

So we exaggerate the extent of our problems, our past, and our flaws and take responsibility for the success and of a relationship. We do this by minimizing or even erasing the contributions of others. Sometimes we also diagnose what are actually very valid concerns and needs as "codependency". And then we engage in over-admission. It's like, Weeeeeeeell, they put up with my co-dependency and me not being good enough. I can't exactly tell them to jog when they lie/turn on the gasand/expect me to subsist on crumbs.

In Maggie's case, she assumed that her partner's ambivalence and avoidance of intimacy were reactions to her codependency, not a reflection of her inner state and relationship habits. She also speculated that if she wasn't "so codependent" he would be on to the breakdown of her marriage and divorce.

As a society, we are socialized and conditioned to a level of codependency. We have learned to be compliant, that is, to please others to the exclusion of our needs and well-being. We also learn to fear conflict and criticism from displays of independence and individuality.

The water, however, seeks its own level.

If we're into something bey...