Over-engagement and our fear of missing out or being labeled as antisocial

One of the pitfalls of the modern age is our habit of overcommitting ourselves. This is where we force ourselves to do more than we are capable of. We could promise too much of our bandwidth, fill our schedule, and say yes to responsibilities and commitments without considering the impact of doing so. Essentially, we tell people what we think they want to hear and pay later. Overcommitment, in fact, leads to anxiety, overwhelm, passive-aggressive behavior, fainting and backtracking, self-criticism, resentment and burnout, for to name a few.

While our habits of overcommitment have a lot to do with our fear of saying no and not considering and respecting ourselves, we often think of overcommitment in terms of working and taking on too much. Another facet of overcommitment, however, is forcing us to do things, including pushing ourselves, for fear of missing out or being seen as antisocial.

Here are examples of this type of over-commitment: Knowing we need to take a break from dating, but fearing we might look like we're not trying hard enough. Or we're worried that our prince/princess will go off into the sunset with someone else because we're not on the apps to catch and keep them. Putting our personal needs and projects on hold for fear of being antisocial. And then we overbooked and were too tired to do anything on our own anyway. Fearing that we are not sociable enough to meet potential romantic partners. And then clinging to unsuitable relationships to justify the effort of this forced socialization but also to not seem antisocial because of being single. And we turn around.

Using our fear of missing out or fear of being antisocial to guide our actions and choices makes it difficult to create healthy boundaries that reduce our over-engagement. We also don't have the ability to recalibrate and learn from where we are over-engaging because we are in a cycle of fear. As a result, we keep saying yes for the same wrong reasons and recreating the problem of how bad we feel or how badly we struggle with our commitments and schedule.

We fear that saying no or being honest about who we are and what we need will alienate us from others. We are afraid of being judged. It's like if we don't try to be everywhere and do everything, we risk not having a job or a relationship. Or we think we're going to miss something that someone else will get, even though we don't want to. We fear that if we refuse to meet our friends because, for example, we are too tired, we will miss The Best Night Out There Will Ever Be or they will become close friends behind our backs.

There is this rather pervasive notion in society that not going out, whether out of necessity or simply out of refusal, makes us antisocial. Otherwise, why would we not only be afraid to say no to socializing sometimes, but also to say no to, say, alcohol or drugs?

Apparently needing time to decompress, not wanting to go out, or just not having the bandwidth - emotional, mental, physical, financial - makes us an unsociable person who doesn't want the company of others . Not true. It's also this ongoing shame of the introverted aspects of ourselves and believing that extroversion is the norm or "better." That's not true either.

Apparently we make everyone feel bad if we don't have at least one drink or join the recreational drug party. How come you don't drink? Are you sick? Are you pregnant? Well, it's going to be a little awkward if we're all out of place and you're not…

So how do we break the cycle of over-commitment without becoming someone we're not or letting others down?

There is often a mistaken sense of nobility and conscience when it comes to overcommitting. It's like being willing to take on more than you can handle and exploit yourself or be exploited to burnout is a badge of honor. It is not.

Overcommitment isn't what we are, it's a series of habits. If anything, it's the result of being inauthentic. Being more aware of what we are committing to will allow us to be more, not less, of who we really are.

Breaking the cycle of over-commitment also means allowing yourself to be an adult and acknowledging that it's okay to let people down. He is. Disappointment is part of life, of having healthy boundaries, and it lets us and others know what is possible. No one has the right to have all their expectations met. It's to the point where we are willing to disappoint others and...