Pleasing People: What's Wrong?

What's wrong to please people?

While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to please someone else, especially your spouse, partner, or someone very close to you….

There are a lot of things wrong with being what is commonly called "people-pleasing".

Let's start at the top with a basic truth…

There's nothing like pleasing people.

Whether the "pleasure" realizes it or not...

What they almost always do is try to "please" someone (in a way they THINK the other person wants) in exchange for something they want in return .

In other words, it really is a roundabout way to meet your needs.

It can be love, attention, recognition, money, security, anything.

The truth is, most people-pleasing people (and we've been there) are almost never aware that they're going out of their way or going to extreme lengths to try to make someone else happy happy - and the reasons why they do.

It all starts with a simple thought.

A thought that sometimes comes so fast that you often aren't even aware of it.

Those people like:

It's the woman or man who gives and gives and gives in a relationship without feeling like they're getting anything in return. It's the partner who says "whatever you want, dear" and doesn't express an opinion, allowing resentment to boil to a boiling point. It is the husband who buys WAY too much jewelry for his wife thinking it will make her love him more or make up for all the time he is away from home doing other things. It's the mother who smothers her daughter with unwanted advice in an unhealthy attempt to show her love. It is the man or woman in the office who wears himself out working overtime because he is understaffed and wants to look good in the eyes of his boss or his colleagues. It's the wife or husband who "bites their tongue" and says nothing every time their partner tells them how to see the world (at least the world according to them). He's the neighbor who agrees to build a fence when he's physically unwell for his neighbors in an unhealthy attempt to show everyone how awesome he is. She's the woman who racks up massive credit card debt to fund her desire to overwhelm everyone in her family with ALL the Christmas presents they could want (and more).

Unhealthy, painful and desperate to try to get something that, in most cases, they are not even aware they are trying to get…

These "pleasures" very often anger, irritate and agitate the very people they are trying to please with their exaggerated (usually unwanted) helping or loving behavior.

And the problem really arises when the "pleasure" can no longer bear not to get what it wants because it has an unspoken agreement that the other person is unaware of and explodes!< /p>

So, again, the question needs to be asked…

What's wrong with wanting to please someone else?

We say there is nothing wrong with doing kind things to please others as long as you are aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it.

In other words, if what you're doing seems scary, manipulative, bossy, or in any other way that puts someone else off or if you think if you do that you'll get something back...

Then it's time for a "time out" to examine your behavior for hidden agendas and unconscious attempts to get something from someone else.

It's two things…

Awareness and curiosity.

It's realizing that you may be trying to play a little game of "I'll give you this so I can get this..." without being aware of it.

And it's having the awareness to ask other people in your life whether or not they would like what you plan to give them or do for them, instead of assuming they would.

It's also about being honest about your desires and preferences and making loving requests.

People pleasing doesn't have to rule your life or relationships.

You can still be kind and loving, but to create healthier relationships, examine your motivations and ask first!

If you have a question about how to get out of the hole that people like, ask it here… ...