Looking for a relationship, therapy needed

For some single people, a potential partner who doesn't work on their mental health is not an option.

Like most lovers, Elyse Fox, 32, a model who lives in Brooklyn, is looking for a kind, attractive, intelligent and funny partner. She hopes he likes to travel, is willing to commit and communicates well. But she has a non-negotiable: he needs to work on his mental health, preferably in regular therapy.

She decided to establish this rule a few weeks ago after going on a date with a guy who unloaded his problems on her. "Over wine and this beautiful dinner, he was pouring out all this childhood trauma and stuff that I never talked about," Ms. Fox said.

As someone in therapy, she felt like she was proactively working on her issues. Why wouldn't she want a partner with the same mindset? "I like someone who can take care of themselves," she said.

Sometimes she naturally stumbles upon information she research. Swiping on dating apps like Raya and Hinge, she'll find a profile that mentions therapy. "Even though I'm not physically attracted to them, it pushes me to correspond with them," she said.

Other times she has to to dig. When she meets people, she finds a way to broach the subject. "I kind of ask some questions," she said. "I say, 'It looks like you have a really stressful job, how are you? What do you do to feel mentally supported?

"I once asked a guy, and he said he had been in therapy for four years," she said. added. "I was attracted to him immediately."

Gen Z and young millennials are significantly more likely to seek mental health help than older generations, according to a 2018 survey by the American Psychological Association. The pandemic has also brought mental health even more into the mainstream, making it a priority for people and talking about it openly.

Part of that is now carries over to encounters. Many singles, rather than looking for someone of a certain height or a particular profession, are now saying they want someone who works on their mental health.

They advertise their needs on their dating profiles. In 2021, mention of therapy in Tinder member biographies increased by 25%, according to the company. ("Emotionally stable" increased by 12% and "emotionally mature" increased by 47%). Hinge surveyed its users in November and found that 91% of them prefer dating someone in therapy.

Many of these daters have mastered simple ways to probe someone's mental health regimen.

"I bring up my therapist in a conversation and see if he mentions theirs," Theodora said Blanchfield, 39, writer and marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles.

"You used to hide that you were going to therapy when you met people, but now it's the same as going to the gym," she said. "There was a guy I had a few dates with whose profile said, 'I'm looking for a girl nice to take home to my therapist, "and I've never done anything so fast."

As someone who has struggled with depression and 'anxiety, she knows she needs a partner who takes mental health seriously. "It's important to me that a person doesn't stigmatize mental health issues or think going to therapy means you're crazy," she said. "I also think or hope that a guy who went through therapy would potentially have more empathy." (She's dated in the past when she's brought up vulnerable topics and the guy just ignored her or shut up.)

She also thinks that some lessons people can learn in therapy, like how to communicate more effectively and set boundaries, will make any future relationship run more smoothly. "It makes me hope for fewer potential conflicts," she said.

Monifa Brooks, 28, who works for a media agency in Manhattan, has seeing what the therapy did for her after it started...