The protest-withdrawal model: unraveling emotional disconnection in relationships

This article originally appeared on Healing Moments Counseling.

Meet Sarah and Alex, a young multicultural couple in their twenties who recently moved to Seattle, Washington, looking for new opportunities. Sarah, a software engineer, and Alex, a marketer, were excited about this new chapter in their lives. Today they were planning a weekend getaway to celebrate their anniversary. However, when they started discussing the destination, things took an unexpected turn.

Sarah envisioned a serene retreat in the mountains, while Alex leaned toward a bustling beachside destination. As they debated, the tension began to mount. Sarah felt anxious, fearing they couldn't find common ground. Alex, on the other hand, retreated in a logical defense, trying to maintain a calm exterior while feeling increasingly disconnected from Sarah.

In this example, we are witnessing a classic protest-withdrawal pattern that many couples are familiar with. 1When Sarah faces a difference of opinion with Alex, she tries to convince him to agree with her. When persuasion fails, she becomes more demanding, trying to "get them on the same page."2 Her goal is to bridge the gap and keep them connected.

In contrast, Alex talks about his preferences but feels uncomfortable when disagreements arise. He fears disappointing Sarah and interprets his disappointment as a personal failure. To cope, Alex suppresses his hurt feelings and preferences for the journey by emotionally withdrawing, presenting a calm and logical facade while feeling inwardly distressed.3 He does this to avoid further conflict, even if it leaves him unsatisfied. of the resolution. Alex's goal is to protect him and their relationship, which is important to him, from conflict.

As he emotionally shuts down, Sarah becomes even more insistent in her quest for connection. The more Sarah protests, the more Alex withdraws, fueling a cycle that leads to disconnection.

Even though the couple has made a decision, the problem is that the couple's resolution for their trip feels "empty" and leaves a taste of tension in both partners' mouths. Tension that they don't know how