The relationship or situation that isn't working can hurt, but it's not a "waste"

When you feel hurt and disappointed, a deep sense of loss can arise. Like when you're the day after a breakup. You might believe that your efforts have been in vain because you may have invested months or years. Or maybe you've compromised yourself by doing things that, in retrospect, don't seem worth it because here you're suffering and empty-handed. That feeling It-was-such-a-waste creates that feeling that risking your heart, trying to put in the effort, putting it all on the line, in your mind, hasn't not paid off.

Perhaps it became clear that, for example,

Trying "harder" and giving 150% wasn't the answer, so of course it didn't work. Being super tolerant and patient with someone who pushed your limits didn't work. Having an affair didn't work. Trying to run away from your problems didn't work. Making concessions did not work. Trying to reason with this person or get them to see your point of view or empathize hasn't worked. Painting code red green wasn't the answer, so whatever you closed your eyes to or hoped that person would change so your relationship could continue didn't work either.

Sometimes the pain can be excruciating. When you're grieving your breakup (or other loss/disappointment), the feeling it was such a mess can leave a sour taste in your mouth. You feel anxiety, anger, shame, and more, about the unfairness of it all. These reactions, by the way, are normal. Rest assured that you will come out the other side if you don't let these stories and feelings take over your life and you gradually cry and adjust your perspective.

It's easy to rationalize that silencing your feelings or allowing yourself to keep telling the same stories even when they're wrong and painful isn't a big deal and even " self-preservation".

In reality, avoiding mourning the loss of your hopes and expectations and coming to terms with what happened only manifests itself in harmful and unnecessary ways. This includes the impact on your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well-being as well as how you present yourself, for example, in existing or future relationships and the opportunities you allow yourself to take. This avoidance of yourself only creates a greater sense of regret about the "waste".

Feelings are the pathway to interdependence because you can update your point of view. By allowing yourself to feel your feelings, you can take better care of yourself. It also means that you can understand what you really need and have a better idea of ​​your limits and so you are able to forgive yourself. You use the "waste" and turn it into your power.

Living in the feeling It was such a waste causes you to tell stories that don't distinguish between you and others. And when you don't know where you end and where others begin and also deny your ability to take care of yourself, it promotes co-dependency. This includes feeling like you have to cut yourself off from others and avoid risks to protect yourself.

Grieving the loss of a relationship means experiencing all the feelings that come with it, but also changing the meaning.

If you're mourning the loss of your relationship and think that means that

Relationships suck. I'm not good enough. It's all my fault. I will never love or trust again. That was a big big lie (even though it wasn't). Or… This is a punishment for X that happened in my past…

…you are going to suffer a lot for a while.

You can't change the past, even if you want to. You may have tried it before, perhaps many times. And I understand. When we are afraid that something is a waste, we keep trying to avoid accepting the truth about the situation.

The point is that whatever happened - time invested in a relationship, situation, or activity - is not wasted.

A "waste" would be not having tried at all and then regretting it.

A "waste" would be to walk away from that relationship or situation with a distorted self-image based on a false story you tell yourself about what happened and why.

Giving up on your own, trying again would be a "waste". There will be other opportunities. You're not "too old" or whatever else you tell yourself. There are also over 7 billion people on the planet, so the sun doesn't have to rise and set on the particular person things didn't work out with.

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