The Truth About No: Getting a "No" Doesn't Mean You Did Something Wrong

Tags: boundaries, boundaries for kind and well-meaning people, boundaries in dating, rejection, rejection sensitivity, take it personally

Here's an all-too-common scenario: Person A goes on a date with Person B. Person A thinks they hit it off and they both had a good time. Despite seemingly positive signals about the date(s), Person B says she's not interested in any other dates. Or maybe they're saying they're not ready or don't want a relationship. Or maybe they disappear and you never hear from them again.

Person A internalizes Person B's behavior as rejection and wonders: What did I do wrong? They play the date and the messages exchanged beforehand over and over in their minds trying to isolate where they did they made a fatal mistake. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something? They seemed very enthusiastic and were even talking about seeing each other again. This doesn't make sense; I don't deserve this.

Here's another equally common scenario: you ask someone if they can do something, and they say no.

Then you feel left out. After everything I've done for them, they can't even do this one thing. Or, Are they mad at me? Did I do or say something wrong the other day?

If this sounds familiar, you are very far from alone. Whether we want to admit it or not, we've all had some kind of feeling about someone saying no.

But for your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, as well as your relationships, check yourself.

When we feel offended, deformed, hurt and so on when we receive no, it speaks to our collective societal misconception that "yes" is a reward, the expected em>, almost mandatory response to "good" and "compliant" behavior. Incidentally, this mentality fuels another unhealthy societal belief that "no" is a dirty word.

This idea that being "good" and "compliant" can not only inspire people to be and do what you want, but it's a fast track to the path You get whatever you want is our downfall as humans. We are so focused on our idea of ​​"well-bred" and "not bad" that we forget to be ourselves. Instead, we consciously and unconsciously execute our idea of being a good (read: worthy and deserving) person and disregard reality. We base our expectations on what can and should happen on how "good" we think we have been.

"Yes" is not a reward for "good" and "compliant" behavior. This is not the case. "Yes" doesn't mean you did all the right things or even that the person is being so honest with you. Nor does it mean that because they said yes to what you consider "desirable" and "right" behavior on this occasion, if you repeat > with this person or someone else, they couldn't or wouldn't say no.

Also, even if the person said yes honestly and genuinely, that doesn't mean it means anything good to you. It is their yes.

If anyone is not interested in more dates or that it "ghosts", it's called information.

Asking what you "did wrong" means you're asking the wrong question. This reflection also reveals a p...