When a spouse goes to the retirement home

Moving to a long-term care facility is often difficult but necessary for frail patients. For their partners, this can mean a new set of challenges.
Even as the signs of impending dementia became impossible to ignore, Joseph Drolet dreaded the prospect of moving his partner to a long-term care facility.
Mr. Drolet, 79, and his beloved Rebecca, 71, both retired Atlanta attorneys and prosecutors, had been a couple for 33 years, although they maintained separate homes. In 2019, she began getting lost while driving, mismanaging her finances, and having difficulty using the television remote. The diagnosis – Alzheimer's disease – fell in 2021.
Over time, Mr. Drolet moved Rebecca (whose last name he had asked to hide to protect his privacy) at home. But serving as her 24-hour caregiver, as she needed help with every daily task, became exhausting and untenable. Rebecca began wandering their neighborhood and “getting dressed in the middle of the night, preparing for trips that weren't happening,” Mr. Drolet recalled.
Last year, when he determined that Rebecca no longer really knew where she was, he felt it was time to move her to a nearby memory care residence.
Putting a spouse or partner into a nursing home, whatever the reason, represents a difficult transition for a couple, one that can mean a release from the sometimes overwhelming burden care, but can also be accompanied by persistent depression, anxiety and guilt, studies show.
“That it all hinged on my shoulders to take care of a very vulnerable person — that stress is gone,” Mr. Drolet said. After Rebecca leaves, “the 24-hour duties could be taken over by someone else.” His constant fear of what would happen to Rebecca if he died or became disabled has also lessened.
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Health Feb 5, 2024 0 14 Add to Reading List

When a spouse goes to the retirement home

Moving to a long-term care facility is often difficult but necessary for frail patients. For their partners, this can mean a new set of challenges.

Even as the signs of impending dementia became impossible to ignore, Joseph Drolet dreaded the prospect of moving his partner to a long-term care facility.

Mr. Drolet, 79, and his beloved Rebecca, 71, both retired Atlanta attorneys and prosecutors, had been a couple for 33 years, although they maintained separate homes. In 2019, she began getting lost while driving, mismanaging her finances, and having difficulty using the television remote. The diagnosis – Alzheimer's disease – fell in 2021.

Over time, Mr. Drolet moved Rebecca (whose last name he had asked to hide to protect his privacy) at home. But serving as her 24-hour caregiver, as she needed help with every daily task, became exhausting and untenable. Rebecca began wandering their neighborhood and “getting dressed in the middle of the night, preparing for trips that weren't happening,” Mr. Drolet recalled.

Last year, when he determined that Rebecca no longer really knew where she was, he felt it was time to move her to a nearby memory care residence.

Putting a spouse or partner into a nursing home, whatever the reason, represents a difficult transition for a couple, one that can mean a release from the sometimes overwhelming burden care, but can also be accompanied by persistent depression, anxiety and guilt, studies show.

“That it all hinged on my shoulders to take care of a very vulnerable person — that stress is gone,” Mr. Drolet said. After Rebecca leaves, “the 24-hour duties could be taken over by someone else.” His constant fear of what would happen to Rebecca if he died or became disabled has also lessened.

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