Who is to blame (and the problem) here?

Who is to blame or the "problem" in your relationship?

Is that you?

Your partner?

Your in-laws?

Something or someone else?

If you're like most people, your answer is probably pretty quick and accurate...

When you're having trouble in your relationship or marriage, it's quite easy to think the problem is with your partner or someone else and even though there may be some behavior that you don't don't like, we bet there's a lot more than that…

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"I'm sure my husband is the 'Problem' in our marriage because of the way he communicates negatively and messes things up and he's sure I'm the 'Problem' in the relationship.

"How do I know 'who' is causing the miscommunication? I need to know who is causing it because I'm only upset with how my husband talks or handles our issues and not by the problem itself.

"How do we know who is causing the problem even though I know we shouldn't blame each other but I'm sure our relationship would be better if my husband handled things differently."

>>>OUR FEEDBACK:

What a wonderful question!

We don't care how "enlightened" and "together" you are–

At some point in your life and in some relationships (perhaps more than one), you've probably had the same thought.

You may or may not have said it, but we assume you meant it.

We know this because we've definitely been there, even in our own relationship!

This thought we're talking about is...

"If only he (or she) did this (or stopped doing this), everything would be fine!"

Well, if you've ever thought about that, there's good news and bad news.

The good news is that because we all have different experiences and approach life differently, it's pretty "normal" for couples (even those deeply in love) to view the other person as the problem in their relationship. .

What happens most of the time is…

If things don't seem "right" in your communication or your relationship, then you start looking for all possible reasons.

When you start looking for all the possible reasons, your mind (which likes to cling to stories) finds a story it can believe in and cling to.

We look at each other first and say "I didn't do it" or "I'm not the problem" because what we said or did makes logical sense to us.

When we realize we have nothing (or very little) to do with a communication breakdown, we naturally begin to look outside of ourselves and think…

If I am NOT the problem, then it must be my partner.

We rationalize; they are the ones causing the problem.

Or so we think.

It's a pattern that repeats itself in almost every relationship and it's what we call the "blame game".

Since this is so normal, it's very "fixable".

The bad news is that to "fix" the problem, one or both of you have to let go.

It's like the two of you are hanging on to a rope, your feet firmly planted, your bodies tense and pulling with all your might in two different directions.

No chance of getting the connection and love you want when this happens!

In fact, the exact opposite is happening.

You walk away.

It's not uncommon for a person to get tired of pulling so hard and give up, let go of the rope, or give in.

While they may have let go of the rope or caved in, they did not let go of anger, resentment, and a sense of being right.

So even if one person "wins", no one really wins because you never really get together and reconnect.

And if you both don't let go of the rope, holding on for life, it's just as painful for both of you.

So what do you do when there's a dead end and you don't know what to do?

We both remember a particular situation that kept coming up between us.

Like our reader, Susie thought the way Otto communicated was the problem.

You guessed it…

Otto thought the way Susie communicated was the problem.

This is how it usually worked…

Susie: "Otto's tone of voice is condescending and makes me feel stupid."

Otto: "Susie's sequel...