3 Things You Should Do With Your Spouse That You're Probably Not Doing

My wife and I have known each other for over 25 years, and we have been married for over 11 years. Even though we know each other fairly well, our marriage is still in the works. None of us are wedding experts. I consider myself more of a student of marriage, trying to figure out where I'm going wrong and what I need to do on my end to make it work better.

Like your growth as a Christian, marriage is a process. If we do it right, we continue to be pruned and shaped into the husband or wife we ​​were meant to be. Just as a plant becomes fuller when it is pruned, our marriages – and our lives – become fuller when we remove what takes away from our relationship and focus on what adds to it.

There are a few things that come to mind that are “must have” for any successful marriage. These are things that many of us do not do well. It's not because we lack the know-how or the time, it's simply because we don't focus on intentionality in our marriages. Even though I realize these characteristics of a successful marriage, I still find myself failing in many of these areas. Just like the apostle Paul, in my marriage, “I don't understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do exactly what I hate” (Romans 7:15). That being said, the first step towards improvement is to identify potential pitfalls and problems.

1. Communicate

A successful relationship is all about communication. Unity, as Paul writes to the Ephesians, involves "speaking the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). If something is bothering you in your marriage, don't share it with your best friend without telling your spouse directly. It can be difficult to discuss it, but trust in true love. After all, “love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is neither arrogant nor rude. He does not insist on his own way; he is neither irritable nor resentful; he does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices in truth. Love endures everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Remember the importance of listening. You have heard that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a good reason. If your spouse comes to you with a problem, be quick to listen and slow to speak. "If anyone answers before he has heard, it is his folly and his shame" (Proverbs 18:13).

2. Speak their language

There is another essential aspect of communication: speaking your spouse's love language. Maybe you haven't read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" or taken the steps to understand the languages ​​of love for yourself or your spouse. (If not, I highly recommend you do. It's telling.) Either way, we can all agree that we need to understand what motivates our spouse and then act on it. We need to go the extra mile to do things in our marriage that make our spouses feel loved.

I get into a bad habit of trying to show my love to my wife in whatever way works best for me. For example, I feel loved when someone does something – an act of service – for me or spends quality time with me. As a result, I find myself trying to express my love in the same way. I try to do things for my wife to show her that I love her. That's all well and good, but she doesn't receive love that way. She feels more loved when someone hugs her or if I reach out to her. Speaking your spouse's language puts you on the path to a closer relationship.

3. Pray

According to FamilyLife, which surveyed thousands of participants at its Weekend to Remember marriage retreats, less than 8% of couples pray together on a regular basis. Even fewer Christian couples (about 5%) pray together daily. And these are people who love Jesus and care enough about their marriage to attend a retreat. What would a survey with a wider audience look like? Unfortunately, it's probably the same thing, or even worse. Most of us don't take the time to pray with our spouse.

My wife and I recently completed FamilyLife's 30-Day Unity Prayer Challenge. The concept is simple. Pray with your husband or wife – out loud – every day for a month. When we were introduced to it, unfortunately, we had only prayed together a few times during our decade of marriage. At the end of the 30 days, prayer became a normal part of our marriage. I felt closer to my wife and she felt closer to me. They say it takes 21 days for a habit to form, but only a few days to...