5 Steps to the Roach Motel of Relationships and How to Stay Out of It

Have you ever heard of the Roach Motel?

In Dr. John Gottman's observational research on heterosexual, gay, and lesbian couples1, he found that in every interaction, couples were either nice, neutral, or mean to each other.

It doesn't take more than 45 years of relationship research for Dr. John Gottman to know that the kinder and not meaner partners are to each other, the healthier and more likely the relationship is to be. durable.

The problem is that some couples get stuck in the quicksand of being mean to each other despite their love for each other.

While all couples, healthy and unhealthy, are mean to each other at times, unhealthy partners get stuck in the dysfunctional pattern of being mean to each other.

As Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe, "almost every problem-conversation [couples stuck in negativity] tries to have will turn into blaming, accusing, and defending, or the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (critical, defensive, scornful, and blocking) . ”

Andy: "What do you want for dinner?"

Kel: "I don't know, but I'm getting hungry and in a bad mood."

Andy: "Well, it's not my responsibility. [Defensive] Why didn't you, like an adult, have a snack before?" [Disdainful] 2

Kel: "Because I just realized it. Why do you have to be...