5 ways to set unhealthy boundaries

The Instagram comment above fueled this article.

I've written about ways to set necessary and healthy boundaries. But the quote above prompted a new thought: since there are healthy limits, there must also be unhealthy ones.

Unfortunately, dozens of damaging strategies taint our interactions. Despite the different details, all unhealthy boundaries share the same commonality – in the process of setting and enforcing that boundary, negativity usually sprouts. Somewhere.

This can manifest as feelings (like resentment of the yes you said under pressure) or bodily sensations and symptoms, making you feel bad. But this unwanted reaction can, and often will, lead to strained relationships.

Take these five unhealthy boundaries:

1. Fueled by fear

In some circumstances, like having to run faster than the mountain lion on a hike, it can be helpful for fear to motivate your legs to pump faster. In most cases, however, allowing fear to run your decision-making process will likely backfire.

Let's apply this principle to our subject. Suppose the pastor's wife asks you to decorate the sanctuary for Easter. The thing is, you've already committed to hosting the Children's Church Egg Hunt, and it's your turn to host the extended family for the holiday meal this year.

The mere thought of spending all those hours, on top of decorating the church, fascinates and exhausts you both.

But then a thought arises. How can you reject your own pastor? Don't you want to be indispensable to the church? Useful?

If this thought makes you nod, beware. You are about to violate your boundaries for fear of people (Deuteronomy 1:17, Proverbs 29:25, Isaiah 51:12, John 7:13). This broad concept covers a multitude of fears (letting others down, losing their acceptance, dreading their anger) and constitutes an unhealthy common boundary.

2. Lying to escape

Is there someone in your world who specializes in insistence? Maybe it's Ashley, who insists on having a random Wednesday because she's bored. It doesn't matter that you've just gone through three consecutive meetings with enraged executives and are ready for a bubble bath and a subdued Bublé.

Experience expects that if you explained to her how exhausted you are, your friend would respond with a simple excuse as to why she should still come: something like she'll be picking up some takeout for dinner, it's been forever, and besides, she won't stay long.

So you're lying. "I have COVID."

It's the easiest way to save yourself from having to please Ashley, you're sure.

However, the Lord hates a deceitful tongue (Proverbs 6:16-17). Lying to get out of an unwanted visit will make it easier for you to fabricate another lie next time. Who's to say determined - or dense - that Ashley won't give you another performance? Yet, according to the scriptures, liars are considered to be those who will spend eternity in the lake of fire (Revelation 21:8).

Saying no takes courage but is worth practicing.

3. Triangulation

Be patient while I continue the analogy.

Let's say your friend burst in anyway, commandeering your party, despite your lying about COVID. (She herself received a double boost and recovered from COVID, purred Ashley.)

If his behavior bothers you so much that you text another friend about it, you've just triangulated your conflict.

As the word implies, triangulation occurs when three people dance together. Instead of confronting Person A (the one we're having trouble with), we complain about Person A to Person B.

Dragging another party into your displeasure from the start can complicate matters and is certainly not scriptural. Proverbs 25:9 states, "Discuss your case with your neighbor and divulge the secret not to another" (NKJV).

4. Oversharing

Do you tend to overshare?

Pay attention to the reaction of others after your sharing. If you consistently receive anything other than a warm response, you may have shared too many intimate details too soon.

If this phenomenon describes you, ask yourself why you tend to function...