After 10 years together, my boyfriend says he doesn't want kids | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

My boyfriend and I are in our thirties and have been together for 10 years. We bought a house together a few years ago and both have good jobs. We love each other deeply, although we are not always good at communicating (I talk too much, he talks too little). We've vaguely talked about having kids over the years, and we've always agreed that it's something we want in the future. In recent years, I want more children and I talk about it more often. A year ago I said I wanted to start trying but he kept ending conversations and saying now was not the time.

After twisting his arm a lot, he has now said that he does not want children, because he finds the state of the world too depressing. I do not know what to do. I feel like he broke our deal; I thought I was just waiting for him to catch up to my headspace, but now he's changed the whole plan. I understand his point of view, but I am more optimistic and believe that life is what you make of it. I desperately want a child and I feel like that's all I can think about. On the other hand, I don't want to live without him. I don't know how to have a conversation with him without him looking like he's trying to force him to change his mind and do something he doesn't want to do anymore (which he accused me to do in arguments in the past tense).

Please can you offer some advice. I don't want to harass him and he doesn't seem to understand how important this is to me. Obviously, because of my age, the question of fertility is also a shadow that hangs over everything.

I wonder if what you really want is advice to convince your boyfriend. And I can't do this, even though I feel for you two. You are both entitled to your valid points of view, but they are quite polarized.

A line from your letter that stands out from UKCP psychotherapist John Cavanagh was "after a lot of arm twisting". Cavanagh wondered what your relationship pattern was around decision making? "Historically, did your boyfriend feel like he might have to get into a fixed position sooner than he really wanted to for the conversation to stop." This is further confirmed by the fact that you say that in the past your boyfriend has felt that you were trying to "force him to change his mind and make him do something he doesn't want". Conducive conversations, where some vulnerability can be shown, don't happen with such heavy-handed tactics.

Your dilemma is the one Cavanagh says he sees more often in the council chamber , and “the state of the world” often comes up as a reason for not wanting children. Your boyfriend probably understands how important this is to you, but if it's not something he wants to do, it's also a big deal for him. I wonder if you only see your "big deal" as valid?

A question to ask yourself, Cavanagh suggested, is, "Could you have a meaningful relationship if you're not parents or would there be conflicts or signs of resentment?" I wonder if not having a child, if that's the path you're on, would become the center of everything that's wrong with the relationship and, worse, if you have one without your partner being 100 % okay, does the kid hold all that focus.

We've been conditioned to think you only leave relationships if they're clearly not working , but if you both want radically different things, it's a form of not working, because you're not moving forward together. Please consider a few therapy sessions, especially given your history of miscommunication. Both of you may be able to say and hear things from each other and from yourselves that you have not yet done. Cavanagh also wondered if your boyfriend "feels he can't protect a child in a world that is so uncertain, and in which he himself may not feel protected." So he may feel like if he can't be the kind of father he wants to be (or thought he was), he won't be at all. -b7d1-69f6bf2fdb58" data-spacefinder-role="richLink" data-spacefinder-type="model.dotcomrendering.pageElements.RichLinkBlockElement" class="dcr-1mfia18"/>

I can Don't berate your boyfriend for having these thoughts, but how you feel is also valid. You can't leave this relationship until you've had a proper conversation from all angles. That's not a topic. lightweight, so you don't have to pretend it is.

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