But really, is it "ok" to date someone you don't see a future with?

As humans, we give ourselves permission to be, do, and have things that don't necessarily reflect who we are as a whole or our stated intentions and values.

We say we want to cut back on our sugar intake, and then when we're stressed, we give ourselves permission to eat sugary foods. These decisions and these contradictions are a part of life. There will always be something we allow ourselves to do that is not for our highest good. We are, well, human.

I get a lot of questions Is it okay if I type. These questions often speak to the part of us that struggles to give ourselves permission. We want external validation and support. In other cases, however, wondering if something is "right" reflects our awareness of where we are potentially about to be or do something that doesn't align with our values.

For example, a common question I get is: Can I date someone I don't see a future with?

When we don't see a future with someone, we're either privy to relevant compatibility information or we've made a quick judgment.

So maybe we know that we/they are not looking for a relationship and the other is. Or maybe we are not attracted to them despite several dates. They may seem rather attached to us, but they are not our "type". Hell, we might just know that we're not done with our ex and that if he spontaneously turns into who we want him to be, or begs us to come back, we'll be there in one. flash.

The thing is, we've decided that we don't see a future with this person. We have reached a conclusion that affects our intentions and further actions.

If we don't see a future with someone but are considering continuing to date (or already do), we need to consider our larger intentions and values.

How do we date someone who we've already decided there's no future fits our intentions and values? Is this a vote for or against?

If we want to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship, dating someone we don't see a future with goes against that.

Of course, it's "ok" to date someone you don't have a future with. It is our prerogative. In the grander scheme of things, if that kind of decision - to pass the time, to settle down - isn't a pattern or isn't going to affect us emotionally beyond the very short term, it's "okay ".

However, is the other party okay with being someone we don't see a future with?

So do they know that they are our backup plan, our safety net, our entertainment system? Someone to pass the time with? It's fine that we ask ourselves if we're okay with dating someone we don't see a future with. Our decision, however, affects that person's future.

Too often, people make these decisions without giving due consideration to the other party. Especially in romantic situations, it's like we assume someone will be okay with how little we have to give. As if they would be flattered, we threw them a bone. We delude ourselves that it is a quid pro quo: that we give something in exchange for what we want. I'll scratch your back, and you'll scratch mine a little malarkey.

When there is mutual agreement on "no future", we may try to keep it casual. I say “could” because you would be amazed at how so many casual encounters and seemingly mutual sexual arrangements are not. In fact, part of it takes advantage of their agenda and calls it “we”. When it's reciprocal, each party knows it's using the other. Let's be real: these "arrangements" tend to be messy.

If we're someone who can go out and have fun with dating without dwelling on results or trying to shift gears and try to get rel...