Early bird special: could eating your dinner at 5 p.m. help you lose weight?

Name: Dinner.

Age: Approximately 200 years old.

Appearance: A mix of starch, protein and vegetables on a plate.

Wait, dinner is only 200 years old? Yes. Humanity's decision to eat a main meal at the end of the day coincided with the invention of artificial light and standardized working hours.

This n is not dinner. It's tea. No it is not. It's dinner or, if you absolutely must, supper.

You're so stuck. Anyway, let's not get bogged down in class semantics. I'm talking about the main meal of the day.

(Tea.) Hush! Please tell me what time you usually eat dinner.

I don't know, around nine o'clock. And tell me, do you consider yourself a bit chubby?

Sassy! I'm just asking because, if it was, you really should think about eating earlier. Much sooner. Ideally around 5 p.m., if possible.

Don't be ridiculous, it's dawn. I'm not ridiculous. A study at Harvard Medical School found that eating your main meal of the day by 5 p.m. is one of the best ways to lose weight.

It better have some science to back that up. It works for a number of reasons, apparently. First, if you eat earlier, you are less likely to be hungry during the day and stumble upon a pile of sugary snacks. But late eaters also tend to burn calories more slowly, as fat cell genes behave in a way that promotes fat growth.

But 5:00 p.m., c t is the middle of the day. Oh come on now, eat early is the new eat late.

Maybe if you're old. Not really. An article from last week said that eating out early is becoming fashionable. One possible explanation is that we are all working from home now and not spending as much time in city centers after leaving the office. Go see a restaurant at 6:30 p.m. I bet it's full.

6:30? Those round assholes. He will arrive sooner. Believe me, it's a matter of time. Join us.

Have you ever been to Spain? I know where this is taking us.

It's just that Spaniards tend to eat very, very late at night, and obesity there is much lower than in the United States and the United Kingdom. What's your point?

Maybe this whole study is nonsense. Hey now, wait a minute. I have dinner every night at 5 p.m. and watch me.

You're a bit of a pig too. Well, yes, but that's only because I spend my evenings feasting on an uninterrupted orgy of crisps, cookies and ice cream.

And why? Because I'm TOO HUNGER. I am so hungry ALL THE TIME. Why can't I just have dinner at half past seven like everyone else?

Tea. Stop.

Say, "I would like to make a reservation for 5 p.m., please."

Don't don't say, "What do you mean, you're not open then?"