How can I enjoy sex in my marriage after past sexual abuse?

"How do I trust someone with my body after domestic violence?" "What if sex triggers me?" "What if I am unable to please my spouse sexually?" "What if I'm too damaged to have a relationship?"

These are practical questions and real concerns of victims of abuse. Some of us were married to our abuser. Others have been abused by a parent, teacher, pastor, or sibling. Either way, the distortions of love and sexuality—the lies that constrict our hearts and minds—leave echoes of fear and shadows of insecurity long after we've broken free. We may desire a romantic relationship, but fear that our past will sabotage our future.

Because every victim of abuse is different (different personalities, different experiences, and different triggers), it is impossible to write a single solution. Nonetheless, while I encourage you to speak with a counselor about your unique situation, I'll give you a general answer and pray that it puts you on the right path.

God created sex

When I was a kid, I felt like I was walking against cancer. I thought I was a trigger for my father's sins. Like a spiritual Typhoid Mary, I feared infecting men with sexual perversion wherever I went. The people I loved, even my own father, became sick with sin because of me. I was afraid to get too close to godly men, like my pastor or elders, because I was afraid of tripping them up.

But one Sunday, our pastor preached a sermon on sex. This was one of those services where they send all the kids and warn the adults to grab their smelling salts because things are about to get awkward.

Rather than discourage me, these warnings made me curious. I attended this sermon and I listened well. I learned that when God created Adam and Eve, he said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it,” Genesis 1:28. After God created male and female, he said, "It is very good," Genesis 1:31. For this reason, we know that sex is good. Sex was invented, designed and proposed by God for good.

Adam and Eve were destined to have a loving, physical, marital relationship; a man and a woman, faithful and affectionate. If they hadn't become sinners, their marriage could have lasted forever. But sex existed before the Fall; before sin entered the world.

Although sinful people can use sex in sinful ways, sex itself is not a sin or something to be ashamed of. It is only when sex takes place outside of marriage and without love that someone has sinned.

This sermon threw a wrench in my attacker's mind games. The lies my father shouted and Satan whispered began to unravel. I began to realize that my father's perversion was entirely his own creation. It was no one's fault but his own. Not mine. Not God's. Not masculinity as a gender. Not even Satan's. My abuser's sin was entirely his fault.

Ending the guilt trip

Abusers often try to convince us that all sexuality, even the love of sex within the confines of marriage, is shameful or wrong. Transversally, they can affirm that all sexual relations, even violent or not consensual, are acceptable within the limits of marriage. My father taught me these two lies simultaneously, and the effect was confusion and despair.

Aggressors may claim that our anger at their hurt is just as culpable as their violence. They can distort our justifiable fear, revulsion, or outrage by accusing us of being ruthless, disrespectful, self-righteous, or rebellious. They minimize their own sin, while shaming us. They may hope that we feel too embarrassed or guilty to ask for help or report them.

Understanding this pattern, which bad guys falsely accuse of keeping control over us, is vital. Seeing through their lies is like tearing off a blindfold. To reject their thought patterns is to break the chains that chain us to misery.

We may feel confused because we found our abusive partner attractive. But of course we found them attractive! It is not a sin to be attracted to one's spouse. On the contrary, it is good and healthy. At one time, we loved our violent or perverted husband.

But love is not a sin and does not make us accomplices to theirs.

We may have felt flattered by a parent's inappropriate attention, but it's not wrong for a child to want to please their father or mother, or impress a teacher, pastor or a "friend" of the family. Children are expected to trust adults.

Innocence is not a sin and does not make us accomplices to theirs.

Love is not lust, truth is no shame

And hope is not weakness. As survivors, we must redefine the concepts that our abusers have misdefined. We need to reorient our perspective on fundamental concepts like romance, sexuality, masculinity and marriage. Slowly but surely, we must learn to differentiate...