How to find a sexual partner after 20 years of celibacy? | Ask Philippa

The Question I am a 59 year old gay male who has been single for almost 20 years. Until Covid hit I was happy with my lot. I had good friends and many interests. That died down during the pandemic and hasn't really picked up. However, during the lockdown, I rediscovered myself as a sexual being. I found guys online who seemed miraculously interested in me. In the solitude of confinement, I felt strangely alive again.

Before, my one and only relationship, which lasted many years, was ended badly with my ex telling me that sex with me had always been bad and, by the way, I need to get tested. I tested negative and although he tested positive I felt like a loser. I had a brief fling with a guy about a year later (and another trip to the clinic), before avoiding sex altogether. Now, the online sex I've discovered over the past two years has awakened something in me. I feel like a sexual being again.

When I offered to meet the guys I regularly engage with, they either found excuses or simply disappeared. I know it's not a path to happiness, but I find the face-to-face type of approach scary. I hang out in gay bars, but I cower in insecurity. I tried a gay dating app, but my one experience left me terrified for my life.

I have no idea what to do. I have so many doubts about myself as a sexual partner.

Reply from PhilippaReading between the lines, it seems that since the lockdown you may have dropped your friendships somewhat and replaced them to some degree with the sense of connection your online contacts give you. My first concern is whether you are at risk of developing something like an Internet sex addiction and therefore have less contact with your friends and less involvement in your interests?

Internet sex seems like a dead end when it comes to meeting people in real life and isolation is not good for anyone's mental health in the long run. Reconnect with your friends, tell them you're up for meeting someone, and – you never know – something may come of it. It's good that you've rediscovered your sexual self, but not so much if it's at the expense of your friendships.

It's very common for the instigator of a break-up seems to need to make the lover they are leaving a bad person. I've heard many stories that the partner on the left has heard versions of "I never found you attractive". It's not about you. He had to turn you into something bad in his mind so he could break up.

You broke up with your ex, then you had an affair and both of these incidents are associated with sexually transmitted diseases. It's tempting for me to get very analytical about this and wonder if somewhere in your subconscious you associate sex with sin and punishment? I told a gay friend about it and he ignored my Freudian credentials and said the clap clinic was a great place to pick up hot men - they all love sex, that's why they're there. I don't recommend this route, but it's a route successfully taken by my friend and it shows that there is no need to tie shame to STDs!

You also had a terrible experience with a dating app. What we have here is the recipe for lack of trust: three bad experiences, getting dumped and insulted, getting hooked up and getting infected, then being scared of someone you met on an app. If you were already hesitant and had built walls around yourself, each of these experiences will have added additional defenses. When you go to a gay bar I expect you to look at the floor or your phone and hope it works - and of course it doesn't. "I can't do this," becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy. What you need are good IRL experiences to counter the bad ones. Instead of a gay bar, try a gay band, like a choir or a sport. Try another app and read the safety instructions first. You will have to feel the fear and do it anyway, because to pass these bad experiences you have to get back on the horse. If you don't, you'll get stuck.

It's scary, like you're clinging to a rope for your safety and fear that if you let go you'll will never stop falling. But let go and you will find that the ground is only two inches from your feet. Part of your reluctance could be that you lost the habit of being social during lockdown and your social muscle has atrophied. It's happened to so many of us and it takes a surprising amount of time and many encounters to rebuild it. A first step will be reconnecting with those good friends you hung out with before lockdown.

You are enjoying your body in a sexual way again, you have reignited your sexual spark, ...