How to Resolve Money Conflicts in Relationships

Heidi was beyond frustrated when her husband Ted once again refused to have "the conversation on their finances.

They had combined their incomes when they got married - a second marriage for both of them - and she had taken it upon herself to pay the house bills because Ted had said he was not good at doing tracking invoices.

She didn't mind doing this job (she liked being "in charge")…

But what mattered to her was that they had separate credit cards and with all the new "stuff" that appeared in their house, she was afraid that he would run up a large debt on his card.< /p>

Heidi paid off her credit card every month and was frankly uncomfortable with debts of all kinds, especially ones she was unaware of.

Since he refused to talk about it and dodged all the conversations she tried to have with him, she contacted us to talk about her situation in order to get new ways to manage it with him.

> Here's what she found out about her money conflicts during our conversation…

1. We all see money differently based on past experiences

Many of our beliefs about finances are based on our role models, how we were raised, and our previous financial experiences.

It might seem obvious when you step back and see it this way, but it's what most couples seem to forget that leads to, "I'm right. You've got your arguments wrong.

Since money was MUCH easier for Heidi because she was raised by parents who saved and only spent what was necessary…

It was easier for her to budget, manage and see her desires for what she really wanted.

It was easier for her to see that money was just a tool to get what she needed in life and not something to fill a void inside her.

Ted, on the other hand, grew up always wanting more, doing odd jobs and immediately spending his salary on whatever interested him at the time.

His motto was "spend it when you got it" (or in the case of credit cards - "spend it even when you don't have it")…

And saving up wasn't something he'd ever thought of doing.

2. Examine your beliefs about money and how they contribute to conflict

When Heidi took a few moments to stop and look inside, she saw that she definitely felt superior to Ted when it came to finances and that he was a failure.

She also saw that it was no wonder he refused to tell her about this credit card situation because even though she was trying not to shame him…

His beliefs were reflected in his body language and in his invitation to speak.

She could see that he probably didn't want to be emotionally beaten like he feared.

She was also surprised to see that beneath her obvious expertise lurked a deep fear of losing what she had.

3. Find a place of compassion and understanding for the other person

Reflecting on Ted's upbringing, Heidi became more compassionate and realized that he didn't always do things his way or always agree with her about finances.

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By opening her heart to him, she no longer saw his way of handling money as some kind of flaw or character flaw that needed to be corrected.

But, it was rather something to understand and even to love…

It doesn't matter how much she wanted him to change and be more like her.

She might even learn something from HIM!

She realized that maybe she didn't need to cling so tightly to her money and maybe she could let that fear go while still staying true to her values.< /p>

About a week later, Heidi told us that she and Ted were able to talk and come to some understanding about their finances.

She told us that as she softened towards Ted, he softened and became more open to having an honest conversation about their goals as a couple.

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Because she listened to him without judging him, he was more honest, and they found they could meet and appreciate each other in ways they had never known before.

Resolving money issues in relationships may be easier than it has been for you.