Make friends as an adult

I've moved eight times as a military spouse in the past fifteen years. I got good at being a navy wife. I know how to purge, pack and search for new domains. I've organized all the school registration paperwork, I can find a church house in the first month, and I have ways to check out all the best restaurants. I made friends in every place and I cry every time we have to move. But even with all that, it's scary. It's stressful. Every time we move, I get all the toddler crisis feelings of, "But I won't!"

I understand. Meeting people is intimidating. Besides, it's hard. Our schedules are full, our walls are up and we are all so tired. Maybe you are new to an area or have lived there for years. Anyway, if you're looking to make friends, I've learned a few things with all the opportunities I've had to make new friends. Breathe deeply. Some of these things might make you cringe nervously and scream, "But I don't want to!" I know; I was here. But as we tell those toddlers with tantrums, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Sometimes the best things in life are really hard. Sometimes those hard things are really worth it.

I think the best thing you can do to make friends is to go there first. People feel lonely and want to connect, but most of us are too nervous to make the first move. It's like there are rooms full of people who want to make friends, but everyone is too intimidated to take the first step, so we all stay in this loneliness. Be the one who puts you forward and maybe look like a fool. Other people will be so, so grateful that you did. You will be so, so grateful that you did. Smile, introduce yourself, and start asking questions. We all like to talk about ourselves, and listening is the best way to get to know someone, so ask questions and be genuinely interested in the answers. I can't tell you how many friends I've made by agreeing to approach someone to say “hello”. It's super hard, but also very easy.

I admit it's not all rainbows and unicorns. I had my fair share of strikeouts. Some people don't want to connect or conflict with my personality. It can hurt or be embarrassing. This is when we breathe deeply, remember that we are children of the one true God, and accept that even though we didn't remove a friend from the interaction, we did have a story. In my experience, interactions will be positive most of the time.

Remove your air capsules from your ears and put your phone away. Stop scrolling through social media when potential friends surround you. When we are open to connection, we are more likely to connect. A fantastic place to make friends is at your kids' events. Other parents are also looking for friends, and if you're both in the same place, that means there's a common interest or at least a shared schedule. Talk to other parents while attending practices. Organize a barbecue for the team. You don't have children involved in the activities? Carefree! I bet you have your own moments when you can disconnect and connect with others. Maybe chat with someone you always see at the gym instead of listening to music. Maybe sit down with a colleague for lunch rather than listening to a podcast. Watch the times when you close yourself off from others by focusing on technology and making adjustments. Others will likely follow your lead and put away their devices when they realize human connection is available, because that's what we crave.

Follow your interests! Search online for groups you might like. Many areas have groups for different life stages, like maternity or retirement groups, or gatherings based on interests like running, geocaching, or knitting. You'll likely find groups useful for specific situations like bereavement or adoption support. While having a similar interest doesn't guarantee a friendship, it does provide a good starting point. By surrounding yourself with a large number of people, you are bound to find someone to connect with. Attending your first meeting with a new group will likely be intimidating, but sometimes pitching in is the only way to get involved. You can do hard things, my friend! Remember that everyone has been new to the group at some point. And once installed in the group, be on the lookout for new people! Remember what it was like to show up that first time. Making people feel welcome is another great way to meet new friends.

Can't find a group that meets your needs? Start yours! Use word of mouth or social media to spread the message. When I was homeschooling my kids, our town didn't have a regular play date for kids at home. There were lots of field trips and occasional days at the park, but I needed a regular event to plan our schooling. SO,...