Make sense of misunderstandings

Misunderstandings are so common in relationships and can also be so deadly.

Randy had been looking for a new job on and off for some time and he seemed to be in turmoil over what kind of job he even wanted.

Sally, his girlfriend of the past two years, wanted him to take tests that would help him target his interests, but for some reason he was reluctant.

At one point during one of their discussions, he blurted out that he didn't feel supported by her.

She immediately felt like she had been slapped and withdrew from him and the conversation.

When Randy felt Sally pull back, he pulled back too because he thought she was mad at him.

This is a prime example of misunderstanding.

When Randy told her he didn't feel supported, she thought he meant "supported in the relationship".

What Randy really meant was that at the time, on this topic, he didn't feel like she was supporting him in what he wanted.

Big difference, but neither could see it at the time.

Misunderstandings can happen in an instant and can relate to big issues or even very small issues.

But they still create separation and disconnection, as assumptions are made about what is being said or what actions are happening.

In Randy and Sally's case, they each speculated about the other's motivation for what was said or done and the result was a week or more of feeling disconnected from one another. other and unsure of their relationship.

So how do you avoid this and other misunderstandings?

1. Recognize when you're making an assumption about what someone else is thinking or doing

A hypothesis starts with a thought and the problem is created when we attach meaning to that thought and believe it to be true.

If Sally hadn't given energy and life to the idea that Randy didn't feel supported in the relationship (in other words, he believed it without checking it out first)…< /p>

She would not have withdrawn from him.

If Randy hadn't jumped to believe the idea that Sally was mad at him, he wouldn't have backed off from her.

Both took on the worst of themselves and each other.

2. Slow down automatic replies

We're all used to automatic responses of one kind or another when we're triggered.

Some people lash out in anger, some shut up and retreat, and some try to beat a dead horse with their reason and logic.

It helps to be aware of what you are doing when triggered and to give yourself some space around it.

Sally could have seen that her automatic response when triggered is the thought that her partner will leave her so she better walk away first and that's not necessarily what always happens to the another person.

Randy might have noticed that his automatic response when triggered is the thought that he is terrible at communication and relationships and that he doesn't hold on to that thought which only drives him away from her.

3. Be curious and ask for clarification

In the space, however small, between the trigger and the automatic response, you can instead be curious about what the other person meant without believing your pre-determined thoughts of what you thought he or she meant say.

You can ask for clarification with simple questions like…

"Help me understand. Tell me what you meant by that."

–> Free video gives you magic words to say it right every time –>

When you ask from a heart-centered inner space and stay open, what you learn can be amazing.

Sally and Randy could have avoided a week of disconnection if they had stayed curious and asked for clarification instead of making assumptions and reacting to preconceived ideas about what was being implied.

Misunderstandings don't have to ruin your relationship.

You can eliminate them and start loving again quickly!

Do you have a question about a misunderstanding in your relationship? Contact us here…