My husband and I separated. So why do I find it impossible to divorce? | Leading questions

I'm over 70 and have been married to a man for over half a century. However, we have been living apart for four years now and I like it very much. My husband was a moody man, and it was a relief to move. My problem is that I seem frozen and unable to go through a divorce.

My husband has improved his behavior over the past four years, loves me and we have little ones -children and a rich history together. However, I no longer love him. Recently I met a man who would like to get more involved with me. I would love to have an affair with him, but I know I don't want to marry him or move in together. He lives hundreds of miles away. But what a pleasure it would be to have him as a boyfriend! He's nice and I enjoy his company.

My question is why can't I get a divorce? This situation eats at me and the stress affects my health. I'm an introspective person but I don't understand myself at all in the situation.

Eleanor says: What admirable clarity you have - you say you don't get you, but I hear a lot of insight and firm preference: "I don't love him anymore", "It was a relief to move", "How fun would it be to have a boyfriend!"

As far as there is a mystery here, it seems to be the mystery of what happens between feeling and doing - you might know what you feel, but not what you do. However, you are already ahead of the game by having so much information about your own emotional landscape - many people never do!

I'm going to throw things against the wall and together we can see what sticks.

Is the reason for blocking maybe a full divorce seems hostile, and you found a right balance by just being apart? I think a lot of people stop their separation at "separated" because divorce itself is acrimonious - something people do when they hate each other, rather than because they want slightly different lives. Of course, divorce doesn't need to be hostile - you can see it as simply making the world reflect the reality of things. To be married to someone is to have legally amalgamated property; if you don't want to be merged with them any other way, it's not so much hostility as precision that might make you change.

Where is -maybe it's rather that you don't feel entitled to insist more on your wishes? Perhaps - especially if he was cantankerous during your marriage - it took a reasonably large outlay of "conflict coins" to get to where you are right now - simply to end the romantic element of the relationship and move. Maybe you feel like continuing to push for that final legal formality takes a bit of temerity?

I don't know the answer, because only you can do, but the good news is we don't always need to figure out exactly why we bother to quit.

It would be one thing if you didn't want a divorce - Many people find it too financially inconvenient to sift through and think they can salvage the good parts of the relationship without the legal headaches. But you seem ready for the next chapter, whether it's being closer to that potential boyfriend or just living alone in the quiet joy and solitude of taking care of yourself and only yourself. /p>

I think that when we talk about our lives to others, we should be careful what we say. What you told me here, in this very small passage, is very clear - you said you were relieved that your marriage (in essence) was over and that you felt bright and energized for the future. . You have spent a very long time in this marriage - you owe it no more than you have already given.

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