I am experiencing family exhaustion. I love my wife and kids, but I feel like I'm being used

I feel like I'm going through a family burnout. I've adjusted to my wife's demanding work life - long hours and multiple trips across the country (she's an obstetrician) - since before we had kids. She often comes home late, works after hours, and uses her phone or email when she's home.

I've always been somewhat ambivalent about having children, when she really wanted them. But despite that, I feel like I do the vast majority of parenting. I also have a career and love my job - and wish I could even work a little more than my eternal part-time arrangement. (Perhaps this is akin to how women have always felt when forced into household chores.)

I love my wife and children, but I feel like I am being used and my own health is suffering. I'm even starting to dislike spending time with them because I'm still bitter about the imbalance in our family situation. Any attempt to fix the problem doesn't seem to go far - usually because she feels unable to work less. I wouldn't consider leaving our family, but I think our current lifestyle is unhealthy for all of us.

Eleanor says: In any space we share with other people, it is inevitable that there will be disagreements about the fair distribution of work. When these disagreements arise in formal spaces like offices or public environments, there are procedures for determining what to do. It's much harder in homes or families, where love is supposed to be the guiding principle.

Because these are spaces of conviviality and benevolence, it becomes much harder to declare you want to look after your own interests: "I feel tired", "I want some time for myself" . At work, it would be nice: everyone has the right to take care of themselves. But at home, there's a certain pressure to act like your interests are just the interests of the family and there's no conflict: "I'm overjoyed", "don't don't worry".

As you are now discovering, this is not sustainable. Families and relationships should connect individuals, not erase the fact that they areindividuals. You'll resent it, she'll feel it, you'll each be annoyed by the other because you don't feel loved commensurate with what you've sacrificed.

Sign up for our must-read recap, pop culture and weekend tips, every Saturday morning

A question might be: what could you both agree on as a fair principle of how parents should share the work, before you know if you'd be the parent primarily away from home or parent primarily at home? It's an age-old strategy for fair decisions between people with separate interests. Try not to use your ambivalence about having children as a reason here. You don't want them to find out that you feel that way, and you've made the decision to become a co-tutor. The question is how do you make it feel right.

You say attempts to speak usually don't go far. I know what it's like to hope that this will save us from having to talk to each other again: "Aha, I already tried, they didn't listen, so I don't have to raise it again. If I keep thinking about it for myself I will even find a private strategy to change their behavior without conflict. But realistically the only options here are that you spend less time parenting, or that you don't. This exhausts the logical space. Sounds like you want the first one (wish you could work more, you feel your health is hurting, you're being used) So one you want it to be different, and two there's no reason to believe that it will become different on its own. There is no secret third door - if you want this to change, you will have to change it, and that means fighting the feeling that conversations aren't working.

I am struck by the fact that you said she felt unable to work less. What is the root of this feeling? Is it financial? Is it because people's health depends on his work? Is it a career development? Is there a way to accommodate this feeling while still getting help with parenting - paid help, family support, more outdoor activities for the kids?

A friend used to ask the same question whenever I complained about s...