The 4 most important words in leadership development

The opinions expressed by entrepreneurs contributors are their own.

If you're an entrepreneur accustomed to working alone, you may not care much about the impact your words have on people. But if your entrepreneurship has turned into a full-fledged business with employees, managers, and coffee makers, you may need to rethink your position.

Words matter. Using a single misguided word here or an off-putting word there can mean the difference between a pleasant and productive discussion and a negative exchange that can have lasting repercussions.

This is especially true in corporate leadership situations, where a single word can make or break an interaction between a leader and an employee or team member. Words matter so much because they can determine whether your leadership is effective or not. At a minimum, the wrong word can diminish your level of leadership effectiveness when you work so diligently to optimize it.

The truth is that effective leadership is about getting results through relationships. Senior managers are in a position where they have to have others do the heavy lifting. Otherwise, they don't have time to work on the vision and strategic goals – that is, to look over the horizon to what is needed in the longer term to achieve the long-term vision. With this in mind, words become the master sail, guiding conversations on the best path to performance.

Assessing the impact of every word that can be used in an interaction between an executive and an employee is a bit of a herculean undertaking. That said, four specific words deserve the highest level of attention and scrutiny based on their ability to derail or elevate a business discussion.

Related: Inspirational Leaders Know How to Choose Their Words Carefully

In my opinion, two of the words should be on the "no-fly" list; that is, they should never be used in a conversation between an officer and an employee or even between officers. They will invariably produce the opposite effect that was intended. Unfortunately, many leaders still use them regularly, without really understanding the potential damage they can cause.

The other two words are "antidotes" to the first two entries. When used as substitutes for the two harmful words, they can change the entire direction of a discussion while generating the positive impact the conversation was meant to have.

The culprits: "Why" and "But".

The Saviors: "What" and "And."

With such an impressive accumulation, you might be disappointed at how unassuming and innocuous the four words seem. But I can assure you that their power to inspire success or stifle enthusiasm should not be underestimated.

The first entry, "why", is a terrible word to use when involved in performance management, even if you want to understand why your team member performed a task in a certain way or if you're curious about why your C-suite peers followed a specific course of action. It doesn't matter how neutrally or benevolently you use the word; you can use the best possible tone and put flower bouquets around. Once it enters our head, the term "why" immediately puts us on the defensive. Our brain interprets it as a form of judgment. This leads us to think, "I did something wrong; now I have to defend myself or explain myself."

(By the way, if you want to see precisely how the word "why" creates such a defensive posture, try it on your spouse or partner. As you already know, it creates a high degree of defensiveness. The reaction is visceral; we're more likely to stop a moving freight train than to prevent that reaction.)

So how do you short-circuit the unwanted reaction generated by the word "why"? We just bring our four letter superhero, "what". Replace the word "what" with "why" and the whole dynamic of the discussion changes. Immediately, when "what" enters t...