Nobody cares about Liverpool and Manchester City because it's HAALAND V NUNEZ TIME BABY

Liverpool v Man City is still not the biggest rivalry in Premier League history. It's not even the biggest feud between the two teams

It was early April when Jamie Carragher opened a box of something unappetizing, unimaginative and barely edible.

"Liverpool v Manchester City has become the biggest, most intense and highest quality rivalry in English football history", was his factual view, rejected en masse by Manchester United fans, Arsenal supporters and supporters of violence dressed up in ultra competitiveness, nostalgia and pizza thrown into the tunnels.

Carragher made his point perfectly reasonably. He suggested it was "the first time that the two best teams in England have been the two best teams in the world, led by the two greatest managers of their generation", claimed that "the parallels run out of steam when they are applied to European competition" and described Arsenal's battles with Manchester United in the late 1990s and early 2000s - generally accepted as Barclays' heyday - as "a domestic feud". p>

But for many, Liverpool v Manchester City lacked that intangible quality. It lacked a certain something to be considered truly definitive. It was too soulless, sanitized and sterile, too friendly and fun.

The feud was finally elevated to elite status at Leicester on Saturday. The Community Shield achieved a few things: it laid bare precisely how clear these two teams are of the chasing pack; it allowed Jurgen Klopp to complete his trophy streak in England; and it laid the groundwork for the kind of absolute boredom that promises to transcend these two teams, these two managers and all but two of these players.

Even before this match, it had long since become physically impossible to quote just one Erling Haaland and Darwin Nunez in the same sentence. The pair were intrinsically linked by the body part that represents the narrative. As centre-forwards signed at great expense by the two absolute best sides in the country, both of which were changing their tactical setup to accommodate them, this is to some extent understandable. But the talk reached such levels that Liverpool v Manchester City was no more, with the teams taking precedence over the actual main attraction of Haaland v Nunez.

And what this nascent conflict needed was a definitive victor. Haaland missed an absolute keeper just yards after Nunez, far more brilliant as a substitute than his bitter foe was as a starter, scored the decisive goal in a game that can be called a final or a glorified pre-season friendly to suit the agenda that is being pushed? You literally couldn't write that script. Your hands wouldn't let you. F**king try it, mate. Your funeral.

Nunez had the upper hand before he even took the stage. At halftime, compilation videos of Haaland's failure had been painstakingly rushed for maximum engagement. All but those in City blue reveled in one particular statistic: that he had the fewest touches on the ball in the first half. Pep Guardiola, of course, had signed this goalscoring machine for his complex construction game, variety and passing volume.

Nunez felt his moment, taking the field for the second half like James Milner on a lactate test. He was twice foiled by Ederson, eyed the header from Mo Salah's sublime cross, 'won' a handball penalty, then slipped a header to make it 3-1. The wild celebration was from a man who knew he avoided being called a fraud by @Haalegend and @MagicMartial on Twitter. Pure relief was etched on his glorious face.

Haaland's response to his egregious failure moments later was to laugh in disbelief as he accepted his fate. The Norwegian was also disallowed a goal and honestly it would save everyone a lot of time and energy if Manchester City loaned him out to now disgraced Borussia Dortmund.

Join us next week when Haaland scores a hat-trick at West Ham and Nunez takes five penalties as Liverpool are beaten by Fulham. It's the rivalry we all deserve.