Podcast Ep. 276: New Year, New No, and Recognition of the Dark Side of Nice People

In the latest 2022 episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I share a deleted chapter from my forthcoming book, The Joy of Saying No: A simple plan to keep people from pleasing , reclaim boundaries, and say yes to the life you want.

Originally titled Gone Girl, Tiger Woods and the Dark Side of People-Pleasing, I break down how people-pleasing sometimes causes us to behave in unusual ways. To escape the shackles of the roles we play and try to keep up with our and others' often unrealistic expectations and projections, we might act behind the scenes, go rogue on the version of ourselves that people expect of us, whip out, or experiencing the chronic stress of our habit of pleasing people. Please note that while most of this chapter did not make it into the book, some material did of course make it into the book.

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5 key topics in this episode We are all liars. It's not that we necessarily sought to lie and deceive in an attempt to gain an advantage over people, but pleasing people has made us liars. because in situations where we have a choice between being honest, even if there is a possibility of conflict, or accepting things, we will often opt for the latter, mostly > if we think it means we will avoid criticism, disappointment, loss and rejection, or we think it will lead us to get what we want. What makes us really angry [when things don't go our way or when we feel rejected despite the fact that our people like us] is to feel that if they don't not about us, it's supposed to be 'pleasant', that means it's not safe to be ourselves. We think we're not "angrying" with anger or just trying to be a good person or whatever, but actually people-pleasers are us expressing our silent rage< /em> to be or feel coerced into cooperating with illusions to which we feel too helpless, ashamed and afraid to stop conforming. Whenever we people please, in addition to expressing our anxiety about something, it's also us saying "I'm still angry". When your needs are not met, you suffer emotionally. And when they are chronically dissatisfied because they play the role of people who like and neglect each other, at some point, maybe several points, you are guaranteed > to act or implode. We have many opportunities to say no, but we don't take them, and so sometimes life has to grab our attention in a big way. Mentioned Links + Recommended Resources

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Ready to step back from the cycle of nice people and all role models that reinforce feelings of low self-esteem? Pre-order my new book, The Joy of Saying No, published by HarperCollins/Harper Horizon, out January 2023.

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