Problems and No Apologies: Why We're Still Upset Despite Receiving Apologies

When someone hurts or upsets us and then apologizes, it's easy to assume that's the end of it. Problem solved. Let's move on. We learned that what matters is getting an apology. So when we sometimes feel more hurt and upset after receiving an apology, it can be very confusing. We, and perhaps the other party, might wonder what is wrong with us. But the simple reason we feel worse after the apology is that, well, we may have received a problematic apology. This includes backhanded non-apologies that essentially give with one hand and take with the other. At the very least, the way the person apologized made what we were feeling worse and made the situation worse, not better.

Problematic apologies, including indirect/non-apologetic apologies, always include some or all of the following: to center Manipulation, including gaslighting and emotional blackmail Lack of empathy, integrity and accountability Insincerity Clinging to image, intentions or even past good deeds instead of acknowledging the impact Defensive Minimize your feelings, your experience, your impact Here's why someone's apology may have upset and hurt you more instead of paving the way for relationship restoration and repair: Now that you think about it, they didn't actually say the words "I'm sorry" or "I apologize." It was an empty excuse. Sure, they said the words, but there was so little energy, feeling, and content that they could have spoken to a cardboard cutout. Their apologies were more of a tick box exercise. It was a general excuse that avoided specifics. In your subsequent dealings with this person, it became increasingly clear that they didn't know why they were apologizing. By saying "I'm sorry you felt that way" or "I'm sorry you were offended/upset" instead of apologizing directly, they made your response and react to the problem, not what they said or did. For bonus points, they may have claimed that you are "too sensitive" or that you have a "chip on your shoulder". Note that this is a form of gaslighting. They got angry or offended that you had a problem. for example. Saying that you shouldn't think about them too much if you're upset. Slander your character. To suggest your reaction to their passing is disrespectful. I know I know! Make sense! With problematic apologies, instead of acknowledging what was hurtful/disturbing/outdated, the person centers their feelings, intentions, and image. They are more upset by how you and others perceive them than by the impact of their actions. Instead of acknowledging what was harmful/disturbing/outdated, they centered their feelings, intentions, and image. for example. They say something racist even if it wasn't what they meant. Rather than acknowledging the wrong and fixing it, it's "I'm not racist!" Then they want an apology from you. Their attitude of raising the issue has aggravated and exacerbated the original hurt and injury. for example. After raising the issue, they refused to take responsibility and blamed you. Or, after briefly acknowledging the problem, they told you all about yourself. They took the opportunity to express the criticisms and concerns on which they had sat. They keep saying "That's not what I meant" but didn't clarify what they meant. They might even claim that you "wouldn't understand anyway". Their comments kept you guessing and embarrassing yourself. Maybe I'm making a big fuss over this criticism of my weight. Your energy is spent easing their anger for hurting you and reassuring them that they're not a terrible person. Hmm, hihello! What do you think? They pressed the reset button and act like nothing happened. It's not that you want to drag things out; however, you noticed a tension and you are walking on eggshells because they are avoiding the subject. They pressured you to accept the apology or forgive them even though you weren't ready. Or,