Trying to get someone to change won't solve the problem of bad boundaries

A huge source of frustration is knowing that something is not right for us, but waiting for something or someone else to change. It is a boundary issue that causes us to make choices, even passive ones, and then feel hurt by them. It makes us helpless and helpless in dealing with unwanted situations. Rather than acting, we want the other party to change. This way we don't have to step out of our comfort zone. It's not necessarily that we think that. Yet there is this belief that our discomfort is primarily (or purely) the result of something outside of ourselves.

What we need to realize, however, is that wanting or even getting someone to change when we have unhealthy boundaries will not erase our discomfort or make the problem go away.

The limits are twofold. If our way of thinking and our behavior does not change in any way, it assumes that the problem is entirely and solely that of the other party.

But if we continue to behave as we have done, even if that person adjusts their behavior, we are still open to the same problem, whether it comes from them or someone else.

If we don't acknowledge our part, as small as it is, the problem remains.

Eg. You are a people pleaser who continues to put needs, wants, etc. of your friend above yours. You continue to welcome them even to the detriment of your well-being. Naturally, you end up feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated. Over time, even though you have saved and satisfied this person, you now want them to intervene. Essentially, you want them to change their behavior to ease your discomfort.

On some level, you feel like you're only neglecting your needs because of your friend's mindset and actions. Therefore, if your friend is doing well, you will have no problem meeting your needs. But that's wishful thinking. Even if your friend stops doing what's pissing you off now, if you're still using the same thoughts and actions that influenced those choices, the problem in the friendship or in your self-care attitude and habits will not be resolved.

Now, let's imagine the friend has an epiphany and realizes, Wow, I have really bad boundaries with my loved ones and I haven't taken responsibility. From now on, I will do my best to have more mutual relations.

Problem solved, right? Um no. You, with your fun mentality, are going to feel funny when, because your friend has healthier boundaries, you're expected to adapt your ways. You won't be able to try to do things in such a way as to get hits and praise. Your friend will expect you to talk. Suddenly, you might feel resentment.

The frustrations, challenges, and hurts we experience reveal our need for healthier boundaries.

Having bad boundaries is not symptomatic of the relationship or situation where we noticed the problem; it's a habit that already existed. It doesn't mean that what someone else is doing isn't boring or problematic, but if we don't recognize the habits that keep us in a frustrating situation, we will keep repeating that situation until that we do.

The limits are twofold. When we communicate our limits to others, we must also communicate them to ourselves.

If we only know or try to set others' boundaries, it's a sign of poor boundaries. We try to govern others with the discomfort created by our unhealthy limitations. If, however, by acknowledging what we need in terms of boundaries from our loved ones, we acknowledge our role in maintaining that boundary, then we enjoy more loving relationships and reduce our frustrations.

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