What your grieving friend wants you to know this holiday season

To be honest, I've been mentally (and emotionally) preparing for this season for quite some time. It not only encompasses two of my (and my mom's) favorite holidays, but it's wrapped up in birthdays and anniversaries, so there's a lot going on! But this year is different. It has now become something to survive, rather than special days to celebrate.

Needless to say, preparations have already been made. The takeout order for our Thanksgiving meal is set, and I dare not set foot in her favorite craft store. I also made it a point to get cozy with her blue blanket and a cup of cocoa, as I cried ugly over crummy Christmas movies a few times.

It's been a little over six months since I held my six-year-old son's hand and saw my mother's coffin lowered into the ground. Since that day, grief has taken on many shapes and sizes. I'm beginning to realize that grief is not linear but comes and goes in waves, with a rhythm of its own. There are painful reminders of my mother's absence everywhere. I can't seem to find peace and joy in this season no matter how hard I try, and the social settings are not only awkward but, in some cases, completely isolating.

I discovered months after losing my precious mom that grief changes you. It's the unexpected trip no one wants to take, which is why it's often chartered alone. However, I could really use a trusted friend right now. Unfortunately, many of them have fallen silent. Maybe they don't know what to say or they think it's not worth mentioning since it's been six months. Grieving can be difficult to manage with friends; I understand that.

But, if you have a friend who is grieving and grieving this holiday season, I encourage you to reach out because the silence is deafening. If you're not sure how to do this, here are a few things your grieving friend probably wishes you knew and gentle ways to comfort them this holiday season.

Say (or do) something… but be sincere

The support our family received in the weeks following my mother's passing was heartwarming. It really was, and I am forever grateful to those who provided meals, cards, flowers, and childcare assistance. But then, as if out of nowhere, it stopped. Completely.

Perhaps one of the hardest parts of this grieving journey has been the avoidance and awkward silence. It's as if my mother's death instantly became the elephant in the room. No one knew what to say, so they either said nothing at all, or in any way acknowledged my loss by making small talk, leading us both to search for the nearest exit. Then there were responses that left me speechless, such as: "I wanted to send you a card or contact you, but completely spaced out or forgot."

I understand that life is busy. I am mom. It's a busy season, and this time of year adds a whole new layer of stress. However, silence, feelings of being forgotten, and insincere comments can be hurtful. So, here are some words (and actions) that can comfort your friend:

- Give them the card, then apologize for forgetting.

-Get them a coffee and ask if you can pray for them.

-Call, text or send an encouraging Bible verse.

-Offer a healing and heartfelt hug.

-Simple statements like "I'm sorry" and "I'm here to listen" are enough.

Be patient with them

It can be disheartening when you've reached out and tried to be a good friend, only to find that he hasn't responded at all. Be patient with them. Healing from such a devastating loss takes time. Remember that this is not a linear type of growth. They will have good days and bad days. It's quite a process, because grieving brings unexpected ups and downs every day.

That being said, this time of year, as joyous as it is for many, isn't so "pretty and joyful" for your friend. It's a stark reminder of who's missing. Try to be understanding if they decline an invitation or walk away from an event early.

They may treat this holiday differently than you thought, but respect their time and their decisions. Keep in mind, they're just putting one foot in front of the other, until January 2.

Here are some ways to prolong your grieving friend's patience:

- Don't push them or make them feel bad for declining an invitation.

-Find out about their beloved and hear how they used to celebrate holidays together.

- Remind them to take the time they need this season and that you are ready to meet them when they are.

- Volunteer your time and let them know you're ready to be a tearful shoulder whenever they need it.

-Wrap your love in forgiveness and know that they may react with emotional haste or present themselves in a way that is unlike them. Grieving is often messy and can bring on all sorts of emotions.

Don't compare their grief

I received a random text message from a friend I hadn't heard from in years. She invited me...