Why being a people pleaser is so damaging to relationships

I never thought of myself as a liar or a please please, but one Saturday afternoon I was forced to consider that maybe I was both without even realizing it.

What triggered this realization happened in the early 80s, when I was sitting across from a famous local psychic.

She was holding my wedding ring from my first marriage and supposedly sensing the energy of the ring, she said in a deadpan voice, "You are a liar."

I was shocked and instantly both outraged and ashamed.

No one ever called me a liar!

I didn't stay long enough to find out more as I quickly grabbed my ring and ran out of the room.

I was amazed because I had always tried to be honest and be the good girl who did what she was supposed to do.

The idea of ​​being a liar and pleasing people brought up images of someone manipulating to get what they want, and that wasn't me!

But over time, as I began to look at myself without those rose-colored glasses that I seemed to wear during any attempt at self-examination, I began to see how those labels of liar and people-pleasure could be true.

I began to think that my desire to appear perfect in the eyes of others, without what I saw as showing my flaws, was actually inauthentic and dishonest.

I could see that trying to say what I thought others wanted to hear without finding the "real" answer inside of me was exactly what the medium was indicating.

For example, during my tumultuous first year teaching English to 7th, 8th, and 9th graders at a local county school, I struggled, particularly on how to discipline and to take control of a rowdy class of middle schoolers who had been detained back and almost as old as me.

But when a principal told me that she had noticed that I was having problems with some students, I denied it and said that everything was fine.

When you love people, here are a few ways it can manifest that I could definitely relate to…

- Denying any negative emotions you're feeling - "No, I'm not angry. – Saying “yes” when you mean “no” – “Of course, no problem. I'll do it" - and be upset later - Not giving an opinion when asked - "I don't care. What do you want ? – Being constantly hypervigilant, tracking other people's moods so you know the best way to react and avoiding the discomfort of a disagreement – ​​Not telling the truth, telling what you think someone else wants to hear, in the guise of being nice.

Here's some of what I learned about being a people pleaser that can also help you…

1. You Miss Authentic Connections With Others When you're so concerned with being on the lookout for what you think others want to hear, you completely miss connecting with them authentically.

When I started to see how simply accepting what others wanted without giving an opinion and looking at what I wanted closed the opportunity for others to get to know me better…

I could see how this was a form of hiding my true self to protect me from rejection or some other reason I made up.

Although none of this was conscious at the time, it just seemed easier to agree…

But all it really did was separate me from the others.

2. You miss living YOUR life instead of living through and for others

Several years ago, I coached a woman who believed her friends wouldn't like her if she told the truth about wanting to sleep in later on the weekends instead of meeting them for breakfast at the morning hour when they met.

As we were talking, she realized she had a belief that sleeping late was wrong and saw the shame she carried with this belief if she chose to sleep past a certain time .

She hadn't spoken because she thought they wouldn't love her anymore and would think badly of her...

But she was constantly tired, didn't get enough sleep, and was caught up in a belief that seemed so solid to her.

As she loosened her grip on her belief and realized that for her health, she needed to be open to other possibilities…

The following weekend, she asked her friends if they could meet a few hours later and to her delight and surprise, they told her that was fine.

There was no substance to her fears and even though they denied her request, she saw that she was less stressed about it when she told the truth and didn't try to guess what that she thought the others wanted.

It was a great lesson for her to see how her unconscious beliefs had kept her tra...