Why are my female friendships dying out? | Ask Philippa

The issue that I have such a hard time maintaining female friendships. I grew up with three older brothers, I have a whole series of lifelong friendships with men and a few friendships with women at the time, but we don't live near each other anymore. All the women I've befriended since childhood end up ghosting me.

I racked my brains to figure out why these female friendships always die out. I don't think I've done anything wrong that would justify giving up. In fact, I have supported these women over the years when they were in difficult situations.

I recently spoke to a male friend and he says the women who cut me off didn't have everything I have: kids, money, a rich husband, a successful career and a good lifestyle. I was shocked that envy could be the reason those friendships failed.

I have high expectations of myself- same and I have opinions on the independence of women, but I have never commented negatively on the lives of my friends. I sought to encourage them and told them how smart, attractive and funny they were. I don't know what I can do differently. Can female friendships only work between absolute equals? Should I hide my success in maintaining friendships with women?

Philippa's answer Whatever happens, it happens passes out of your consciousness. It might be temporary comfort if I said it's not you, it's them - but as it keeps happening, I think it's probably you. You're not intentionally doing anything wrong, and if you can do some detective work to find out what it is, maybe there can be a change.

Many people find relationships with one gender more difficult than with the other. In therapy, if their problem concerns women, I ask these clients to tell me how they experienced their relationship with their mother – or their father if they are men. Sometimes we can learn if this relationship has become a model for later relationships. We often find that an early coping strategy or core belief that helped someone survive childhood can hold them back into adulthood.

Perhaps you have unnecessary beliefs about the friendship you might have needed to get along with your brothers? Do not add to these beliefs another about equality and envy. Human interactions are complex and cannot be reduced to clichés about one sex or the other.

If I envy a friend who has something I'd like to have (in my case, grandchildren or a kitchen island), that doesn't give me envy the ghost. I'm more likely to want to hang out on this island and play with these kids. I could disappear from someone's life if they made me feel like I was missing as a person. Envy is unlikely to drive women away, but you may make others feel inferior. Remember that people are not their job, their relationships, their possessions, or their children. They have value and are equal to anything they have or don't have.

Right from the start, we pick up on the cliched folklore that girls gossip, grumble and are weak while the boys are direct and strong. Both girls and boys internalize these messages. Society seems to value men more, as a girl, if you are said to be "one of the boys" it can come off as a compliment and make you feel superior to other girls. It is also possible that as the only girl among three boys, you have fallen into the idea of ​​seeing yourself as special, which other women do not like.

The way you described helping friends didn't strike me as the usual back and forth exchange of mutual support. I don't feel like you share your own vulnerabilities with others, which is usually part of close friendships. You might feel like you're somehow saying, "Be like me, have my attitude, then you'll get what I have." Other people may hear this as, "Don't be you, be me." Rarely does anyone want to be fixed by a friend. Instead, we generally want to be understood. Maybe you can accept men as they are, but seem to think women need to change. Or maybe you're automatically, unknowingly, looking for friends you can feel superior to. Some internalized misogyny can be felt by others.

Whatever happens to cause your problem is likely a result of your initial environment. We've all steeped ourselves in stories where most of the protagonists are male and most female are sidekicks at best – no wonder there are unconscious biases that interfere with our relationships. Recently, I removed a few extra layers of my own unconscious bias by reading the novel