Why does my husband exclude me from dinners with his siblings?

A reader feels left out of dinner parties for her husband's siblings - and never more so than when her brother-in-law crashed during a a recent reception. together.

My husband meets his two sisters once a month for dinner. I think it's great that they get to spend time together. Recently I mentioned that it would be nice if spouses were invited occasionally. Tonight, when my husband came home from a sibling dinner that doubled as his sister's birthday party, he told me his brother-in-law was there. I was extremely hurt not to be included! (It didn't help that they met at an expensive restaurant and my husband probably paid for it.) My husband said I was ridiculous. He claims he didn't know his brother-in-law would be there. But I think it was a major faux pas not to invite me and an apology is in order. Your point of view?

WOMAN

Let's leave aside, for the moment, the Your husband's labeling of your feelings "ridiculous." Uncool – and remarkably ineffective at resolving disputes. All feelings are legitimate and dealing with them as a couple is an important part of any relationship. That said, I don't think your husband is asking too much to have one night a month set aside for him and his sisters, even if one of their husbands shows up unannounced on occasion.

Time alone with his siblings seems to be important to him. So I hope you can rephrase his request as something other than your exclusion. For me, the natural solution here is addition, not subtraction: let the siblings have their monthly meetings and add an occasional meal for the partners. How would you feel about that?

Now, regarding your husband's behavior on his sister's birthday: do you really think he was dishonest about your brother-in-law's presence, or do you think your response may have been reinforced because of your feeling of exclusion? This can be a good starting point for another conversation (without words like "ridiculous"). You both want reasonable things here, so finding a compromise should be manageable.

ImageCredit. ..Miguel Porlan

Tip for service, not for smile

I go to a café regularly. The employees are friendly and outgoing, except for one who usually takes care of the cash register. She doesn't say hello to me when I approach her or thank me after paying. However, I always put money in the communal tip jar so that the employees who make my coffee receive a tip. But finally, after the 10th time, the cashier didn't speak to me, I didn't put any money in the tip jar, and I gave my tip directly to the friendly employee who was making my drink. Was that okay with you?

COFFEE DRINKER

Tipping is voluntary, so you can give them to whoever you like. But just to be clear: do you really think that only outgoing service providers should be tipped for their work and shy or reserved people shouldn't be? I think a better policy is to tip people who competently provide personal services.

Don't get me wrong: I like friendly cashiers as much as anyone else. But I also recognize that people have different personalities. So I tip them for their work, not for their jokes. But you can use whatever criteria you want. However, your concern here may be moot: in my experience behind the counter, I always put the tips I receive directly into the communal pot anyway.

Centenarians who make bumps at night

We recently moved into a short-term rental that we really like. Our upstairs neighbor is 102 years old. She lives independently. My problem: Every night, between midnight and 2 a.m., there's a loud thud on the floor, like she's dropped a heavy dumbbell. It wakes me up. It's not the click of his walker. I want to say something to him, but my husband says I should...