Why is festive food so disgusting? | Jay Rayner

In an age that celebrates global free trade, there are still times when we can be grateful that not everything is available everywhere. One of those times is now, Christmas 2022. Because that means trying as best I can - which, to be fair, isn't terribly difficult - I haven't been able to taste it for myself. extraordinary cultural artifact that is Christmas pudding spam. Or to use its correct name, SPAM® Figgy Pudding, "with hints of cinnamon and nutmeg combined with flavors of fig and orange", and I guess, puffs of desperation. Apparently "you'll experience true vacation comfort that will have you singing all season long." Are you absolutely sure about that?

We're not supposed to hit what we haven't tried. Personally, however, I put Christmas pudding flavored spam in the same category as foot fetish or Conservative voting. I know it happens. I know that's how some people get their jollies. But I have nothing to do with it, thank you very much. Although festive spam is not readily available here, there are many other horrible edible festive trinkets that we cannot try either. Yes, it's time for my occasional roundup of what I call When New Product Development Goes Wrong. Too bad for the normally sane food professionals who completely lost their minds in March when they were ordered to design another pile of products before Christmas. Some of them have been around for a few Christmases, but like a fungal infection, and just as welcome, they keep coming back.

Let's hear it for the Tesco Finest team who thought at Christmas the pudding flavored crisps were a good idea. Among the ingredients is sugar. That's never a good thing in a crisp. I appreciated the meager two star review given because there was 'no Christmas pudding flavor'. I would have given it five stars just for that. Sainsbury's answer to what is clearly a dumb question is figs in crisp blankets. Made with "Real Fig Juice Powder". Why not pair it with Christmas pudding flavored cheese from Chuckling Cheese Company? Or not.

Of course, the real spirit of Christmas is the noble pig in a blanket. Only ideally without a pig. This year, Asda has limited edition pigs in blanket flavored chicken nuggets, which clearly didn't even nod at a pig. Even better, you can get Bisto-flavoured blanket pigs, which are perfect for vegetarians. Just like the Foodie Market stuffing flavored turkey and vegetable puffs, available at Aldi.

What we have here is the subtle transformation of what was once just good food sometimes associated with Christmas as edible signifiers in their own right. You thought it was about little donkeys and sages? Paa! The true spirit of Christmas is embodied in the act of wrapping a chipolata in bacon or, failing that, offering a mixture of flavors that approximates various festive joys. That's how we come to Scottish ice cream and confectionery company Mackie's offering of Boxing Day "festive flavor" curry crisps. Maybe Mackie's sounds are a bit unreachable. Fear not, because Tesco has you covered with its Boxing Day curry-coated peanuts.

But there's something missing here, isn't there...