5 Ways to Respond to Aggressive and Controlling Friends

In life, we are born into a certain family. Our loved ones are people we cannot choose; they are chosen for us. But as we grow from babies to adults, we can choose our friends. They are the people we choose to spend our time with. As in any relationship, opposites attract. We may find that we choose people who have opposite personalities to us. It may be great at first, but when conflict arises, we may have friends who choose an abrasive or harsh approach to their communication. They can choose to control how we perceive certain situations, how we perceive them, or how we perceive the world around us. If this happens too often, we may feel resentful because this relationship does not allow us to be who we really are but rather what our friends want us to be. This can put us in a tricky situation. What can we do to set firm boundaries while staying in a relationship with our dominant friends?

Here are five ways to respond to aggressive or controlling friends:

Jesus' first response in every situation is love (whether it be soft or hard love). He wants us to love others as much as we love ourselves. Just as we want to be accepted for who we are, we have to accept that our friends choose to approach life very differently than we do. Acceptance is one of the keys to a successful long-term relationship. That said, Jesus loves us enough to not let us get stuck in our sinful behaviors, but rather turn us into Christlike characters.

We won't be good friends if we don't report if a friend constantly loses relationships or is in constant conflict due to their abrasive approach. The scriptures say, "Speak the truth and love so that they may grow..." (Ephesians 4:15). Telling the truth to others is so important for a person's spiritual growth. In this verse, truth and love are inextricably linked. When we tell others the truth, we love them. It's not loving just sitting in silence or sweeping the problem under the rug. God will tell us when the right time is for us to confront our loving friends and talk to them about how they treat others. If they choose to change because of our confrontation, we have helped move the Kingdom forward. If, however, they choose to no longer be in a relationship with us, we must mourn the loss but ultimately know that we have done the right thing in helping to point out their weaknesses and flaws so that they become better people. .

For us to be light to the world around us, we must be an example of Christ. This means that we must bring out the traits of the Holy Spirit in every relationship we have, including our friends. When our friends choose to be harsh or abrasive, we can choose to respond with gentleness and kindness. We can go the extra mile and demonstrate Christ-like love by not fighting back or arguing with them. We are called to be examples of Christ to the world. It starts with the people we are closest to. If, after a long period of time, you find that your friends aren't changing their approach because of who you are, it might be time to sit down and have a tough (but necessary) conversation.

If a friend constantly controls your other relationships or your view of the world, try changing the way you communicate. Your friends can be abrasive and controlling because you are, and they just react to what they hear. Avoid using the word "you" in your conversations with them. Replace the word "you" with the word "I" and use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. In a conflict situation, choose to express your emotions using the phrase “I feel…” rather than attacking or blaming. Sometimes people have unresolved pains, hurts, or issues that they haven't fully resolved, and they pick on you for being near you. Just because they choose to treat you that way doesn't mean you have to take responsibility. Respond by telling them how you feel when they treat you this way. Give suggestions on how you prefer to be treated instead. Don't leave the situation open, where the friend is confused about how to change their behavior. With a little cajoling, you might find that they can change their communication just by watching you change yours.

If your friend lacks emotional maturity, it may be best to just call them. Sometimes people are unaware of their sins and need someone to point them out. Nathan, the prophet, took a great risk in pointing out David's sin. David was so oblivious to what he was doing (committing adultery with Bathsheba and murdering her husband), that it wasn't until Nathan pointed it out that he could repent and turn from his ways. "David burned with anger at the man and said to...