A letter to single women who want eligible men to be more mature

I married a redwood.

No, this is not an article about the 'horticulture. I'll get to your annoyance with immature men later, but can I start by sharing my solo journey before John?

Before my husband, my single status was like a parasite that I couldn't exterminate. This freeloader stayed with me through college, graduate school, after I got my license, and even after I started my private practice.

My peers were busy getting married, assembling IKEA furniture and skipping sleep to take care of their newborns. Some have even gone so far as to divorce their first spouse and marry another.

Guess who dragged her sister to birthday parties and meetings through it all?

Yes. Your new friend here has certainly traveled the desert of celibacy.

It wasn't like I hadn't met anyone in those years. Elsewhere, I've written about "Matt" the Evangelist and how I learned it wasn't him.

None of the men I met felt well.

Oh, how I wish I could swap stories about Mr. Wrongs over coffee and cake. I'm sure you can regale me with your own false starts.

During these lonely years, I threw a lot of questions at the Lord. Why am I still single? Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever get married?

I imagine you also have your own versions of these questions.

Perhaps you've taken it a step further and compiled a list of likely answers for why you're still single, at your age, to begin with:

There are no decent candidates.

There is indeed something wrong with you.

Those eligible are immature.

Let's take them one by one.

No decent candidates

Many have called online dating depressing. Meeting a potential partner in person, meanwhile, feels like a fairy tale reserved only for romantic novels and comedies.

It doesn't help that more women than men go to church. How can you expect to meet a potential date at church when the pool is so small there's barely room for both feet to splash?

I understand why you think there are no good candidates.

Or rather, my sister did.

Back when I was doubting my prospect of landing a decent guy, she reminded me, "it only takes one".

That thought comforted me. I didn't need to date half LA or lower my standards and date non-Christians. All I needed was to trust the Lord to introduce me to the right person.

May his wise words also encourage you.

Something wrong with you?

If this question has ever plagued you, relax. All this proves that you have an inner critic who expresses his low appreciation of you.

The good news is that most of planet Earth shares your fate. That is, most - if not all - of us hear a critical voice within, ready to pounce on our chipped tooth, our freakish birthmark, or a million other reasons why. she thinks we are not up to it.

Just because you're still single at your age doesn't mean you have a disability.

Nevertheless, it is wise to look in the mirror. Introspection. Go inside.

Because I am an IFS certified therapist, I recommend an IFS therapist to guide you through this process. This model has helped many people transform their lives.

Of course, you can do some soul-searching on your own. But if you do, be careful. Don't slip into a shameful spiral.

The eligible are immature

Let me go back to the Redwoods for this point.

These trees resist an overwhelming number of intruders: fire. Insects. Freezing cold weather.

Well, okay, not really frozen. I just called it that because I grew up on the equator, where the average temperature hovers around a pleasant 80 degrees. All year.

But back to the redwoods, which just stand there and withstand hazardous environments.

And grow, albeit slowly.

Take a particular redwood as an example. As of this writing, the tree is 308 feet tall and 1,400 years old. Let me save you the math to give you the end result: someone planted this tree in 622 AD, and to this day it has grown 2.2 inches every year.

Which means the tree only grew about the width of your credit card every 12 months.

If...