How "love languages" have been helping couples for 30 years

Recently my boyfriend and I checked in. He told me that he felt like I had become complacent about physical affection. I bristled at the accusation, but shut my mouth, mostly because he was right. To be honest, this isn't the first time I've received feedback on this relationship.

As for physical touch, my factory setting is " awkward". But I'm really great at small, thoughtful gestures. Just two weeks ago I organized a care package for my partner, so that after a 10 hour flight to work he would find a bag of licorice, a packet of incense and a bottled lemonade de boujie - all the things he loves - are waiting for him on the kitchen table. This little token of love was not worthy of a ballad, but this is how I show attention.

Thanks to Gary Chapman, author of TheFive Love Languages, it's easy to communicate the dynamics at play: My partner and I have different love languages. Love language has become a pervasive trend on social media to describe the different ways people express and receive love. These days it's treated with as much respect as a clinical diagnosis, but should it be? Is the difference between me and my partner a dealbreaker? And why do we continue to use love language as a sign of compatibility and a good relationship?

Chapman's bestseller, which turned 30 last year, says we all give and receive love in five different ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical contact. The book, first published in 1992, argues that many relationship conflicts can be explained by his theory of romantic miscommunication and it argues that two people could express their love to each other using different "languages which would cause them to have trouble understanding one. another. By understanding your own love language, you can ask for what you need and vice versa, he says. According to his theory, my love language is an act of service, while my partner's is physical contact.

Now, "love language" is more common than ever and only gains in relevance. TikTok and social media are a huge driver of this, and the phrase has 2 billion views, with viral videos claiming to offer you analysis, like "What your love language says about you" and jokes about coffee or Timothée Chalamet are a language of love.

A user claimed to have discovered a sixth love language this year: feeling known by a partner. Yuna Lee, half of the TikTok account @wethelees, shared her discovery in July. "I thought we were limited to the five love languages," she says, before describing a situation where she overheard her husband telling an acquaintance why she doesn't like scary things. Her husband, unprompted, said Lee's imagination couldn't handle shows like Stranger Things as she grew increasingly anxious about the subject matter over time. "And that's exactly it," she says with a wistful smile. She thinks viewers get excited when they feel someone has "put into words something you've internalized and viscerally felt, but never processed out loud". Like bricks in a wall, Chapman's 1992 theory grows thanks to people like Yuna Lee.

People have also expanded his concept to use as a sign of compatibility. Originally Chapman meant it was a way to understand and meet the needs of a partner, but it is now common for friends or online voices to suggest that different love languages ​​signal a big deal between couples.

Just listen to the hugely popular podcast The Receipts, hosted by Audrey Indome, Tolani Shoneye and Milena Sanchez. Most female listeners send agonizing aunt-style dilemmas, such as not feeling valued or appreciated by their partner in a specific way, and it's common for the trio to suggest the pair are incompatible due to their love language styles. The implication is that we are all fixed in these modes almost like a diagnosis.