How to stop blaming and criticizing when your relationship is at stake…

Have you or your partner ever used these phrases and then expected the another person is talking about a topic…

"You should have . . ."

"You could have . . ."

"Why didn't you . . ."

"You have never (or always)..." and

"If only you could . . ."

If you've ever used (or heard) words or phrases like the examples above…

You or your partner probably found out pretty quickly that the only thing that happened was that you both closed off to each other and NOTHING was resolved.

There are many reasons why you might use these phrases that sound like blame and judgment, especially with an intimate partner.

Much of this is done unconsciously out of habit and stems from resentment.

You or your partner may have blaming and judgmental parents, and that seems "normal".

There may be the unconscious or conscious idea that the more you blame, judge, and prove yourself right, the more he or she will change and do what you want.

It never happens that way, does it?

No matter what reasons you use, fear is the root of blame, judgment, and the need to be right…

–Fear that your needs will not be met

–Fear of not being up to par

–Fearing that you're not the person your partner wants you to be, so you try to transform into that person

And all that blame and judgment (conscious or unconscious) erodes the trust that is so precious in a relationship.

We have discovered that pointing a finger outward, blaming and judging someone else, allows a person to not look at themselves and look at their life.

A common pattern we have observed between two people is when one person is critical and the other tries to work hard for approval, while expecting criticism.

The important thing to realize is that both people are part of the relationship challenge, playing martyr and/or victim, and those roles can change from moment to moment.

We believe that when you start blaming, judging, or thinking that you are right and the other person is wrong, you have two choices:

To keep acting out of fear and entrenching yourself as a martyr or a victim, telling all your friends or the other person (again and again) how he or she is wrong and you are right; Or You can begin the healing process by letting go of being "right" and spending your time and energy looking within to see your part in the drama. Then you are better able to open up and invite your partner to open up so you can see something different. Then you will “see” the next step to take.

(And open doesn't mean agree or get pushed!)

If you are criticized and allow yourself to become the victim or even the martyr, you can either get stuck or decide to stop the "dance" you both are doing and start creating ways to make trust again.

In some cases, it may not be possible to heal the relationship, but you will heal yourself by letting go of blame and grudges.

Here is an example from our lives...

When we first got together, Susie was trying to do a project around the house and she couldn't finish it.

In her frustration, she said something to Otto that sounded like a disgruntled 3-year-old, indirectly blaming him for not helping her solve the problem or doing it for her.

Otto was triggered by what she said and angrily told her that he would take over the project and do it himself.

This is where many couples (and us) get stuck in situations like this.

They get “stuck” in blame, judgment, anger, and insecure thinking…

Instead of staying "stuck" and feeling disconnected for days like we had in the past, we broke the pattern.

Once we realized where that blame was leading us and saw that we didn't have to believe our thoughts...

We recommitted to restoring our connection and building trust between us.

We both quickly realized that we shouldn't trust our chatter and old beliefs.

We helped each other by talking about it openly and honestly (and listening without defensive interruptions) and it led to some powerful observations about our past patterns.

Even though our agreement was that Susie would solve the problem, when the job got tough, she fell into the old unconscious pattern of the little girl wanting "daddy" to solve the problem...