I can ejaculate alone, but not with a partner. Is it because I'm afraid of becoming a father?

I am a 30 year old who suffers from delayed ejaculation. Mine seems to be of the perpetual variety. I love sex and often stay erect for a very long time, but rarely have I ejaculated with another person. I have no problem doing it through masturbation. It should be mentioned that I am very against having children. I am the third of six children and have seen my parents struggle, raise my siblings and me. I have a deathly fear of repeating the cycle and bringing a child into an uncertain world, only to eventually die. I ended a relationship two years ago and am filled with dread to admit it again. Are there any tips/treatments to help me enjoy sex enough to ejaculate?

You seem to have diagnosed yourself with delayed ejaculation due to causes psychological. If this is correct, the answer would be to seek help from a psychologist/sex therapist. It would be wise to seek help anyway because sexual problems usually have a complex set of causes and there is usually a mind-body connection.

But I suspect there's at least some physiological reason why you don't enjoy sex with your partner enough to reach an ejaculation threshold. For example, men who have become accustomed to high friction (perhaps through a pattern set up during adolescent masturbation) might find that partner sex does not feel the same. Many men with the same complaint as you are praised for "lasting," but in fact, they just go through the motions of sex without becoming aroused enough to orgasm. As you've discovered, this only creates resentment and desperation.

For them - and for you - the purpose of sex should change from "trying to 'ejaculate' to simply enjoy the sensations. Never continue with sex unless you enjoy it. You don't need to apologize or explain your sexual self… but some partners may take delayed or absent ejaculation personally and, in such a case, reassurance may be kind and advisable. Most importantly, try to recognize that your particular sexual challenges and needs are not unusual and that you fully deserve to have pleasurable sex with your partner.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist United States, specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.