Intentional Relationship Conflict: Wildfires vs. Bonfires

How is intentional relationship conflict different from conflict in general?

Conflicts in intimate relationships are like fire. For some of us, it becomes a wildfire, burning out of control, burning every partner emotionally.

For others, it turns into a controlled bonfire that brings us closer together as we talk, laugh, and learn about each other. Clear boundaries, emotional safety and containment turn the danger of fire into a tool of comfort, closeness and emotional intimacy.

One of the main reasons conflict gets out of control in relationships is that the only time a problem catches our attention is when we're arguing about it, when the fire has been inadvertently started. .

I don't know about you, but I never sat on the couch earlier today and thought, you know. . . At 9:47 tonight, I'm going to start an argument with Heather about our financial budget. I'll start by pointing out that she doesn't stick to our conscious spending budget and point out what's wrong with her character [Criticism].

Often this is not how violent conflict begins.

In contrast, a conflict is often triggered by an event that triggers an unresolved underlying issue.

As famous psychologist Dan Wile was fond of saying, every relationship problem is made up of two problems: the real problem and the man.