Is it inappropriate to inspect my partner's phone?

Question: Is it appropriate to ask someone if you can check their phone/messages? I want to build trust in my relationship with someone who has a history of cheating/dependency in a previous marriage. Also some rough treatment of me but no cheating as far as I know. I struggle to know what's appropriate to ask, but the lingering feeling of wanting to see it doesn't go away. We have known each other for years and have been dating for a year. – E

I sympathize. Relationships are tricky.

But let's see if I get the gist of your dilemma. Your partner was untrustworthy in a previous relationship and abused you. Nevertheless, you want to develop more trust in this person.

Also, and this is where I read between the lines, you think building trust can happen by browsing your partner's phone.

Except you're not sure you can do it.

First of all, yes, I agree that if you want to inspect someone else's property, you cannot do so without proper permission. Again, this can also shake things up. Your partner might react with resentment. You may hear “How dare you! », « How could you? ", " For what ? and before you know it, a new feud challenges you to tame it.

But even if you manage to get around the fight above and be given the green light, there's another problem with this approach.

Who's to say the phone won't be returned to you only after it's been completely purged of any incriminating material?

Lovers are not the only ones to question trust. Whether it's a jaw-dropping romance, a professional acquaintance, or a blood relative, this question can arise.

How do you know if someone is trustworthy?

Below are four questions that may help you determine the answer:

1. Is there a story?

Psychology suggests that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So there is some merit in keeping a question mark where someone has acted problematically but claims they are now reformed.

Just like E's question above, her partner has been shown to be deceitful in a previous relationship, so E feels on guard in case there are current indiscretions of which she is unaware.

At the same time, underline this important information: E was not deceived.

In your quest to determine whether someone deserves your trust, remember that people have the ability to grow. It is possible for addicts to stay sober. Cheats may change.

2. What does your gut say?

E told us that "the lingering feeling of wanting to see [your partner's phone] doesn't go away." I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, so I respect emotions and all of their cousins, including instinct and lingering feelings. I'm glad you did too, E. If you hadn't, you probably would have dismissed the urge to inspect the phone.

But what should we do with these feelings?

Through Internal Family Systems (IFS), the therapy I practice in my private practice, we can address our feelings – or our parts, as they are called in the IFS community – and facilitate lasting progress. In your case, E means finding out if there is a part of you that knows actionable information about your partner. Did you detect evidence of unreliability, even unconsciously?

To do this, focus on the lingering sensation to scan your partner's phone and ask them the question directly. "Why do you want me to do this?"

Don't find the answer yourself. Just watch what's going on.

If the answer is vague, maybe like "I'm not sure. I just have a sneaky suspicion that something fishy is going on” – so let’s put a mental asterisk here. Save that thought for later.

3. Have you healed?

Ask yourself, "Why do I need to see my partner's phone?" might reveal another angle. If your history includes betrayals — including by other romantic partners — it makes sense that part of you has developed a sensitivity to detect possible irregularities in your intimate relationships.

Note that it is not necessary for harm to be done directly against you to activate this vigilance. For example, if you saw one of your parents abandon the other, you may have grown up with a part that swore never to let a similar heartbreak happen to you.

The point is to shine the spotlight on your inner world and explore it. Are there emotional wounds still sensitive to touch? Have you healed from a relationship wound, regardless of who abused you?

(Please allow me to put a parenthesis...