My Stepmom Is So Possessive About Our Unborn Baby | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I am pregnant with my first child. My husband and I waited a long time to tell my in-laws because we knew all hell would break loose once they found out.

As soon as we told my mother-in-law, she screamed and started throwing herself around the room in a dramatic fashion. It all became about her. My in-laws then spent the entire evening pushing me for information that I was unwilling to give. It was so awful - I burst into tears when I got home. We asked them not to buy anything at the moment and my sister-in-law insisted that she would immediately start buying lots of things for the baby.

On another occasion, I sat in a wobbly chair and my mother-in-law grabbed me and said, "Don't have any accidents , you have to take care of my baby. In disbelief, I asked, "Whose baby?", to which she replied very firmly, "Mine".

I find his behavior inappropriate and offensive. We're not particularly close on that side of the family, so I have no idea where that sense of entitlement comes from, but I find him threatening and intimidating.

My husband says he will talk to his family about their behavior before the baby is born and set clear boundaries – but I don't believe he will. When I tried to talk to him, he tried to be understanding, but he would shut up whenever anyone said anything negative about his family.

What should I do?

First of all, congratulations on your e pregnancy - and I don't blame you for wanting to feel emotionally and physically safe. In an ideal world, your husband would take care of it. But as we all know, you can't force someone to behave in a particular way, and it's very difficult for people to be stuck between their family of origin and their partner.

A new baby in the family can make people feel like they almost have to re-audition for positions they previously considered safe. Your mother-in-law's behavior seems extreme, and I wonder if she used to be the best female dog. Her status will also change from mother to grandmother. His demagoguery can actually hide raw feelings. But that's up to her.

I consulted Lisa Bruton, a UKCP registered psychotherapist who works extensively with families. We discussed how when we feel like another person isn't listening to us, we start to feel like we have to be very prescriptive about what we're going to do. It's completely understandable, but it rarely works, for the aforementioned reason that we can't control other people's behavior. So let's be a little tactical.

Bruton advised, "Instead of waiting for your husband to agree with you [and act on it], engage him in practical things and figure out what that might be like. If you need to complain about his family, do it with someone else, not him."

I understand this need to let off steam, especially when you are pregnant, when you can feel a mixture of vulnerability and invincibility. But try to keep your husband away from emotional in-laws and discuss the practicalities with him instead: let him take the calls and discuss when you'll see him again after giving birth (I highly recommend to act as a postpartum caretaker, and you may want to decide not to have visitors for a while).

Bruton wondered about your stepfather - could he be enlisted to moderate things?

She also strongly recommended setting boundaries, "but don't view them as punishment for your in-laws but as a positive act for yourself".

When the baby is born, go visit them if possible, so you are in control when you leave. You don't have to respond to any resulting calls.

skip newsletter promotion

after newsletter promotion