My partner can't maintain an erection and I suggested Viagra, but he puts me off. Should I just accept it?

My partner is loving, kind and wonderful. But he avoids being intimate with me because he can't maintain an erection. I try not to take it personally. I want to support him, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He feels compelled to play but he doesn't need it for me - I just want some level of privacy. I gently brought up the subject of Viagra, but he pushed the conversation away. I suggested that we go to the pharmacy together or that he go alone, and although he agreed, he never does. I tell him it's completely normal, especially after 40 years. Maybe I should just accept things as they are because I absolutely don't want to put any pressure on him.

A lot of men avoid sex because they are afraid of not being able to have an erection. It's easier to tell a partner, "I'm not in the mood" than to face what they would consider failure. No matter how many times you insist, it wouldn't matter, your husband won't believe you. An approach that is more likely to be successful is to honestly mention that you have learned that erectile difficulties are not necessarily age-related and should be investigated. Let him know that, in fact, these may be symptoms of an underlying medical condition (diabetes, for example) and send him to see your primary care physician. A doctor may be able to calm her fears, educate her, and assess her - and perhaps prescribe something for erectile dysfunction. At the moment, I imagine he is scared and will feel threatened by any discussion you might initiate, so seek out the type of help that will hopefully be more acceptable to him.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is American. psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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