What's the best way to deal with my sister's violent outbursts? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I'm a woman in her twenties struggling to figure out how to react to my younger sister's violent outbursts. She is also in her twenties.

They happen quite frequently and seem to come out of nowhere. For example, once I was chatting with my mom in the living room while my sister was watching TV. She asked us to be quiet. We continued to talk and she came to slap me.

My mother was horrified. I didn't respond - but I don't know how to respond now. It's not the first time either. She's slapped me before: on my graduation night, and after a falling out between the three of us. Then I didn't speak to her for a few months.

She is known to argue with her friends and she is also violent towards her ex-boyfriend. My mom and dad think I should talk to him and help him, but I don't know when his next outburst will be. What should be the consequences of his violence? I'm afraid if there isn't, she'll keep doing it and I just have to take it.

I want a good relationship with her but I don't want no violent people in my life. I generally find her selfish, self-centered and authoritative and wish she could grow up a bit. All in all, I feel pretty helpless.

You talk like very stuck-up childhood siblings. I want to start by saying that I hate violence, but I'm also realistic about siblings sometimes picking on each other - as unacceptable as that may seem. And the advice I give here is for you in the situation you describe, not any other situation where one person is physically abusive towards another.

You do, as my specialist pointed out, have the "penalty of calling the police" (this could be classed as actual bodily harm or common assault) but, again, to be realistic, that's not maybe not where you want to go.

Has this been a theme throughout your life, before graduation age ? And have your parents ever publicized your relationship? When you were growing up, that was certainly their responsibility, and I believe parents always have a duty to make sure they help adult siblings navigate their relationship if they don't seem able to.

< p class="dcr-3jlghf ">Psychotherapist Henry Adeane (psychotherapy.org.uk) felt that you were both aggressive in your own way: "One of you is passive aggressive and one of you is directly aggressive." Of course, as soon as there is physical abuse, the abuser loses all moral standing.

"I don't condone your sister's behavior," says Adeane. “But what could happen is that your sister was always kept as the 'younger sister'. And it seems that one of you is very passive and doesn't know how to react, and the other has a violent response which is in turn pathologized by the rest of the family."

It seems uninteresting why your sister might be like that. Your parents' response is also incredibly passive. If, based on your longer letter, your parents think your sister has more big problems and needs you, so surely she needs you too? "It seems," said Adeane, "that your parents separated you. They identify with you as an adult companion - so there are three adults and a child." This must be incredibly frustrating for your sister. Adeane adds, "It's probably your sister who still needs her parents, but they don't seem to see it."

Somewhere along the line, your sister hasn't learned to moderate her feelings. She is an adult now, so her behavior is her responsibility. But there may also be a child in the family who is labeled as “bad” or “difficult”. It's very convenient for others because they don't have to watch their own behavior.

You can of course have very little to do with your sister. And you should set boundaries, which may be what she wants.

But your reaction to her outbursts – doing nothing – may not be the better. "You and your sister never seem to have spoken like two adults," Adeane says. "When things are calm between you, could you try to arrange a conversation with her like, 'Look at us, two adult women. We find ourselves in these difficulties where I no longer know what to say and you slap me. »