Stonewalling: Ways to Stop It in Your Relationship

When you or your partner are stonewalling, what REALLY happens and how do you stop it from ruining your relationship?

Here is a question about stone walls that we received a while ago…

"If your partner doesn't like self-help (books, videos, articles) and blocks me every time I bring it up, how do you start the conversation about creating about the relationship you are considering?

"He thinks it's okay - 'if it ain't broke' - gets defensive, negative and doesn't talk. In the past, I found out I was the one doing all the relationship work while my partner (not this one) sat back and smiled. I think I chose better this time, but how do I sort it out with him?"

Before giving our answer, here are some elements on the idea of ​​obstruction…

It is a delay or blocking of a request, process or person by refusing to answer questions or giving evasive answers.

It's when a partner withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, and doesn't talk to you anymore. It's not only frustrating when this happens, but it also kills connection and erodes trust.

Okay, many of us do, but why are we closing ourselves off from each other?

Here are some reasons why we saw stone walls… It's the fear of being hurt again or being ridiculed There was a triggering event A way to punish or show pain or anger when we feel wronged in the past It's an attempt to protect against future pain A way to protect yourself from the perception of being controlled by someone else It's not believing that the other person will listen and understand our point of view.

The truth is that there can always be conflict in relationships and partners come together because there are two different systems of desire.

We think something needs to be changed or different about the other person and the other person thinks something needs to be changed or different about us.

Obstruction is just a way of shutting us off from each other when we fear we can't meet our needs otherwise and the problem is that it can become a habit.

While this is all true, it doesn't have to be so.

Here are 3 ways you (and our reader) can invite a partner to open up to you when there's an obstruction…

1. Open up first.

Open up even when it's hard to listen to what your partner is telling you. Look for the truth in what your partner might say and don't defend yourself.

Know that you always have a choice. Very often we don't want to listen because we think we have no choice, but that's just information. Don't defend. Just listen when your partner is talking.

2. Examine your communication habits.

It's so easy to get into the habit of proving your partner wrong or looking like control, which can shut him down.

Take a step back and see if your way of communicating could be more of an invitation rather than coming across as "this is how it should be" even though you don't mean it that way.

Ask yourself this…

"Will the way I act bring my partner closer or push them away."

We both struggled in a destructive loop with this one until we both realized that at different times we were both not open and seemed to be controlling in different ways .

Susie realized that she didn't need to precede a request (which didn't sound like a request) with "You must..." and Otto realized that her voice was becoming loud and which Susie sometimes perceived as condescending.< /p>

We both saw these habits as interfering with our connection and changed them, but a person can do it too.

3. Don't believe every thought you think

Our thoughts come and go and we can choose which ones we want to cling to and focus on.

Take our reader for example…

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