Stop saying "It's just my personality" and start saying this instead

Adam Grant, Wharton Business School professor and bestselling author, wrote, "'This is who I am' is a missed opportunity for growth. Personality is not your destiny. It is your tendency. No one is limited to one way of thinking, feeling or acting. What you become is not a matter of the traits you have. It's what you decide to do with it. "I agree (and not just because I have a 'pleasant personality'). In my work as an executive coach, I help leaders think about how what they say and do, as well as what they don't say and do, affects the people around them.

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After completing 360 feedback interviews, I find myself frequently giving this feedback to those I coach, based on what their colleagues have observed over time:

"You talk more than you listen."

"You ask about your colleagues' work, but you don't ask about their personal lives."

"You do not actively seek opinions and perspectives different from your own."

"You don't speak succinctly or go straight to the point."

"You present your ideas in great detail, at whatever level of detail your listeners want or need to hear."

And all too often, what I hear in response is, "Well, that's just my personality."

That's when our real work begins.

When we respond to comments with "this is how I am", we are essentially relinquishing personal responsibility for our actions and impacts. And while there's plenty of scientific evidence to support that our behavior is a combination of both nature and nurture, it doesn't matter to others whether you were genetically predisposed to talk more than you listen - or you were brought up that way.

What matters is that you consider how what you say and do makes the work or life of others easier or more difficult, and show that you care about that as well.

Based on my family of origin, I can reasonably assume that I am naturally wired to talk more than listen, and that I was also raised in a way where this behavior was positively reinforced. In my roles as a keynote speaker and business school lecturer, this behavior is also positively reinforced, as in "it's my job." However, in my roles as executive coach, parent, partner and friend, listening is as important (if not more important) than speaking. So, despite my natural and nurtured tendencies to talk, I learned when and how to adapt my approach.

Like many of us, I'm drawn to people who value "me for being me" -- mostly because I don't have to work so hard. But it also means I have to put extra effort into making sure I have a diversity of styles and approaches among my friends and colleagues. Many people who would rather talk than listen are not likely to consider multiple viewpoints, take a methodical approach, show empathy, or realize there is something wrong. important that they do not know or understand.

I recognize that my biology and my sociology are not my destiny. As a result, I bring a growth mindset to my work and my life - a belief that I can change, learn, grow and adapt. Finally, it means I care more about the impact I have on others than doubling down on "me being me".

That's not to say that I don't revert to old habits and behaviors, or that I don't mess up when I'm stressed or not paying attention. I do all of these things. But then I read the room, clean up any interpersonal messes I might have done, and get back on track.

So the next time you have a comment about your approach, rather than dismissing it by saying "it's just my personality", try starting the conversation by admitting that you are capable of something different and better:

"I recognize...