The only thing you can control at work is you

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I want my colleagues to know I'm gay, but I don't really want to come out. Any advice?

—Eden, Illinois

There are all sorts of subtle things you can do. If you're in a relationship, clearly explain your partner's pronouns in conversation. Put pictures of you and your partner or you and your super gay friends on your desktop. Maybe put a rainbow flag somewhere visible in your workplace or a rainbow sticker on your car. Talk about your favorite gay celebrities. I'm joking on that last point, but still, when in doubt, talk about Sarah Paulson or Lena Waithe or women's sports long enough and your colleagues will understand what you're writing.

We telegraph who we are in many ways without explicitly explaining every aspect of who we are. Live your truth and the people in your life will find out.

I have started working at a streaming company and almost immediately felt friction and tension with my manager and colleagues, many of whom had worked together at various companies for about 20 years. Their way of working and doing things seemed outdated and absurd to me. I questioned processes and policies and tried to make suggestions on how we could improve. All my suggestions were immediately closed, especially with a colleague. This colleague is the one who has worked the longest in the company and immediately became defensive. I also discovered that she had criticized me to other colleagues. I feel like she helped people form premature opinions of me that don't fit my character or represent my work. (I should also note that this colleague is a white woman, I am a black woman and her assistant, who is also a black woman, told me about the horrible things she said behind my back.)

Several other people have joined the company since I started, and also see the issues with the behavior of that particular colleague. I tried to discuss my concerns with her, and she either turns me on or doesn't recognize the behaviors. I also discussed it at length with our manager. Our manager sees my side and has apologized at length for this woman's actions, but has not reprimanded or removed her from her role.

How can I make this problematic co-worker realize that her behaviors are toxic? I know I can't change people, so how can I also create boundaries between me and this woman? How can I influence my boss to take serious action on this and cultivate a work environment where all voices are heard and respected?

— Anonymous

You ask a lot of questions here for which there are no answers satisfactory. You want a toxic person to see the error of their ways, but if they could, they wouldn't be so toxic. You want your new employee to be an ally, so you have at least one person on your side. You want your boss to hear your concerns and act on them. You clearly feel isolated, which is understandable.

But what you're asking is, "How can I control people, so that they behave as I wish?" I'm afraid that's not possible even in situations where all you want is to be seen, heard, and treated with respect. It is difficult to join a company where the employees have a long-standing connection. It doesn't appear that this group is particularly interested in welcoming new employees, which inherently creates tension.

It also appears that you have entered this organization and you immediately started criticizing their processes without understanding the culture. This is...