A letter to the friend of social anxiety

I remember a time when I hated when plans with friends suddenly changed or failed. It was such a disappointment when I looked forward to exciting projects and only felt disappointed and sometimes also felt feelings of rejection, loneliness and sadness.

It can be frustrating to have friendships with people who struggle with social anxiety. All the hype you infuse, you save, you reassure, and most importantly, those times when you're dressed and ready to go but receive an "I can't do it!" text at the last minute.

You, my friend, are not lost in the wake of your friend's social anxiety. Your efforts are seen, appreciated and keep us going. We would love nothing more than to live as socially as we are when plans are first made. We want the waves of anxiety to stop for scheduled and unexpected plans. Without your help, we would probably be even more isolated than we already are. You are the breath of fresh air that encourages us to keep trying. You are the buoy we can cling to and that keeps us afloat. But we know that even though we know how important you are to us, you can sometimes feel rejected, defeated and tired. It is difficult to maintain relationships with friends who have mental difficulties. It's disheartening to go through plan after plan, knowing deep down that plans won't be followed.

Your friendship matters to us, so let's talk about some ways you can help support your socially anxious friend:

Registration before the event

There is an immense amount of anticipation leading to moments of socialization. All worries of what could be, and worst-case scenarios plague our thoughts. These worries accumulate days, weeks and even months before the event occurs. Of course, rationally, everything will be fine. But in our minds, irrationally, all will not be well. And, our brain is stuck in the irrational even when you are pleading with us logically. Your advice, support and help before the event matters to us.

Tip: Role-play different conversations that might take place, talk about different worries as they arise, plan when to arrive and leave, and remind us that we have overcame difficult things before.

"As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend." Proverbs 27:17 NLT

Check in during the event

However the night goes, check in. We may put on our bravest face, talk nonstop, and seem comfortable, but we can talk faster than our brains can process. We could drown inside, try our best to say all the right things and not embarrass ourselves. We could plan how to get out of this situation and run away. We could analyze the body language and facial expressions of everyone around us and accumulate all the emotions in the room.

Pull your friend out for a quick 'break check' as often as needed, complete the conversation when you can, and be present.

"So encourage one another, comfort one another, and edify one another, just as you do." 1 Thessalonians 5:11 AMP

Registration after the event

When the event is over, signal the start of the carousel of worries. Remember when I said maybe we talk faster than our brains can process? Well, all we can think about is what everyone thinks of us, how embarrassed we are about things we've said, or analyzing every facial expression.

Discuss the ups and downs on the way back, talk about any concerns that arise and check in if necessary in the following days.

"If one of them falls, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." Ecclesiastes 4:10 NIV

Be supportive, even when you don't understand

You don't need to personally understand our struggle to support us. You can be a safe person for us by giving us the space to run through anxious thoughts without judgment or annoyance. Help your friend to distinguish the truth from the lies. Often we are so consumed or overwhelmed that we need someone to see our situation from a different angle or perspective.