How you can agree to disagree with love instead of conflict and resentment

We don't know about you, but we have noticed that there are many global issues that have instilled so much fear that pits one person against another.

We have also seen individual personal issues that create deep divisions where there seems to be no solution.

We make ourselves the enemy of these disagreements, whether they concern these world problems or certain personal situations.

In our own family, we have seen these divisions and perhaps you have too.

This week we have both experienced whether it is okay to agree to disagree and how to do it with love and not with anger and resentment.

Here's what we know...

Sometimes agreeing to disagree is your only option and what's best at the moment, because there doesn't seem to be a solution or agreement possible.

Each of you clings to your point of view and sees nothing beyond.

That's life and these differences happen because we all have different ideas about how life should be lived.

But it's what happens before, during and after the conversation that can make all the difference to the health of the relationship.

Here are some ways to allow love to lead when you agree to disagree…

1. Connection intent

When you intend to connect instead of fear and prepare for the conflict you believe will follow…

The opportunity is there for a deeper understanding.

A former coaching client, Jan, was deeply upset that she and her new husband couldn't talk about her adult children.

She thought they had "used" him, asking for money and favors and he seemed to jump in to do whatever they asked.

Every time she tried to talk to him about it, they argued and he left the room.

When we spoke with Jan, she could see that she would initiate these "conferences" (because that was what they were) with the intention of making her see that she was right.

He was exploited by his children and she wanted him to know how wrong it was and how upset she felt.

When she saw that, her “I'm right. You're wrong” attitude came between them…

She saw that when she intended to connect with him, the atmosphere changed between them

2. Decide if this issue is a deciding factor or not

Sometimes when two people have such different beliefs and ways of life…

The level of trust and intimacy disappears and the relationship changes.

You have to decide whether this issue is a deciding factor or not.

By reviewing this situation with her husband and children, Jan saw that she really wanted to have a life with him even if this continued.

Her ex-husband was an alcoholic who didn't want help to change and it affected their life together.

It had ultimately been a "breaking situation" for her as she left that relationship after several years of battling its effects.

She knew what it was like to "know" when something was a deal breaker or not.

In her heart, this problem with her current husband was not.

You should be the one to decide on what level, if any, you want to interact with this person, and if that's a deciding factor.

3. Seek where you can agree

When you are ready to find common ground with this person on this issue and look for where you might agree…

A deal and good feelings can surface when you least expect it.

Too often, when you think about this person, you only focus on the point of disagreement and the conflict.

We put people in boxes and when we see beyond it, new worlds of connection open up.

When you see that person is more than just this one problem where you don't see eye to eye…

This is an opportunity to see how you can have a loving and more peaceful relationship.

When Jan realized that in her mind, she had put her husband in a "box" that said he was winded and weak...

She saw that her reactions to finding out what her children asked for next were exaggerated.

She saw that she had somehow tried to "fix" him and "man-up" him when it was obvious he didn't want to see him like her .

When she saw that her reactions weren't helping...